Docta My girlfriend has been talking to this guy a lot more than she talks to me and they talk about sexual things all the the time like giv...
Docta
Answer:
You asked me what you should do. What you should be asking yourself is why you want to be with a woman who treats you with such lack of consideration. It hardly matters why she's acting as she does--to make you jealous, to build up her own low self-esteem, to express deep-seated hatred for all men, including you--she isn't treating you properly.
You've told her how you feel and she isn't responsive, which means that her feelings are all that count here. So again, I ask why do you find yourself drawn to someone who mistreats you in this way?
If you've been reading my columns for a while, you know that in adult relationships most humans unconsciously replay and relive the painful, traumatic events of childhood, hoping to rewrite the original script and finally heal our earlywounds. This is called the Repetition Compulsion.
The first step in the repetition process is choosing a partner who emotionally resembles the parent who let you down.
Because your partner is like your parent, in no time, you're back in the soup, suffering the same pain you experienced as a kid.
To try to rewrite the story, you try to be good, loving, caring and giving hoping that your efforts will "fix" or change your partner.
But of course these efforts are useless because your partner is as limited or damaged as your parent was and therefore just as incapable of giving you what you need.
Since the compulsion to heal is so strong, you don't give up, you don't walk away. Instead you get locked in repetitive cycles in which you keep on trying to get the leopard to change its spots. Meanwhile, you just keep getting more and more hurt and let down.
Most people live their lives trapped in a version of this kind of repetition.
The question is how to break free? First you have to realize what's actually going on. Identify your wound and realize what "Happy Ending" you yearned for as a kid. In other words, figure out who damaged you as a kid and what type of treatment you always wished for. If your mom never paid attention to you, and favored a brother or sister, or only had eyes for your father and ignored you, then you would choose a partner who will do the same, hoping that one day you'll be her one and only. You get the idea.
Once you realize what wound you're trying to heal, then YOU, yourself need to work on healing it by literally re-parenting yourself and giving yourself, through positive self-talk, all the love and support and recognition you lacked as a kid. Sometimes you will need a good therapist or group therapy experience to achieve this healing.
When you're healed, your self-love will not permit you to remain in such a disrespectful relationship. You will not only be free of the repetition, free of the urge to try to change her. Then you will no longer find this relationship acceptable. You will want to end it.
I've given you quite a prescription. I'm sure it's more than you bargained for. This is the only real, true and lasting answer for you.
Take good care of yourself and I mean this literally.
My girlfriend has been talking to this guy a lot more than she talks to me and they talk about sexual things all the the time like giving blow jobs and etc. I found out about this and asked her to stop talking to him because I didn't like it and she said it was no problem but now things have gotten worse. I tried to give her time to stop but it's been 2 months and it doesn't look like there is going to be any change. He has told her numerous times that he likes her and she should break up with me for him he even gives her pet names and whenever I want to talk about it she doesn't and somehow gets out of it. What should I do? This haunts me everyday.Signed by: Haunted
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| What should I do? |
You asked me what you should do. What you should be asking yourself is why you want to be with a woman who treats you with such lack of consideration. It hardly matters why she's acting as she does--to make you jealous, to build up her own low self-esteem, to express deep-seated hatred for all men, including you--she isn't treating you properly.
You've told her how you feel and she isn't responsive, which means that her feelings are all that count here. So again, I ask why do you find yourself drawn to someone who mistreats you in this way?
If you've been reading my columns for a while, you know that in adult relationships most humans unconsciously replay and relive the painful, traumatic events of childhood, hoping to rewrite the original script and finally heal our earlywounds. This is called the Repetition Compulsion.
The first step in the repetition process is choosing a partner who emotionally resembles the parent who let you down.
Because your partner is like your parent, in no time, you're back in the soup, suffering the same pain you experienced as a kid.
To try to rewrite the story, you try to be good, loving, caring and giving hoping that your efforts will "fix" or change your partner.
But of course these efforts are useless because your partner is as limited or damaged as your parent was and therefore just as incapable of giving you what you need.
Since the compulsion to heal is so strong, you don't give up, you don't walk away. Instead you get locked in repetitive cycles in which you keep on trying to get the leopard to change its spots. Meanwhile, you just keep getting more and more hurt and let down.
Most people live their lives trapped in a version of this kind of repetition.
The question is how to break free? First you have to realize what's actually going on. Identify your wound and realize what "Happy Ending" you yearned for as a kid. In other words, figure out who damaged you as a kid and what type of treatment you always wished for. If your mom never paid attention to you, and favored a brother or sister, or only had eyes for your father and ignored you, then you would choose a partner who will do the same, hoping that one day you'll be her one and only. You get the idea.
Once you realize what wound you're trying to heal, then YOU, yourself need to work on healing it by literally re-parenting yourself and giving yourself, through positive self-talk, all the love and support and recognition you lacked as a kid. Sometimes you will need a good therapist or group therapy experience to achieve this healing.
When you're healed, your self-love will not permit you to remain in such a disrespectful relationship. You will not only be free of the repetition, free of the urge to try to change her. Then you will no longer find this relationship acceptable. You will want to end it.
I've given you quite a prescription. I'm sure it's more than you bargained for. This is the only real, true and lasting answer for you.
Take good care of yourself and I mean this literally.
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