Dear Help Docta I'm currently in a relationship. The person I'm with has strong feelings for me. The only problem is that I don'...
Dear Help Docta
Dear Reader
One of the most challeng
ing aspects of any relationship is listening to our inner feelings. We may find our internal voices overpowered by those of our partner, our family members, our friends, or even societal expectations. Especially around holidays, Valentine's Day, and special occasions, some people might say sarcastically, out of envy, "Oh, what a terrible dilemma. Someone loves you!"
As you've discovered, however, not having the same feelings for the person we are with as s/he has for us can be confusing, painful, and a bit threatening. Staying in a relationship where you don't feel fulfilled can be draining. Hurting someone you care about is difficult, too. For you, it sounds as though the situation has also brought up doubts about how much you can trust your partner with private information you have shared.
Before you make decisions about what you want to do and when, it might be helpful to think about your doubts in more depth. This might be quick and easy, or may be more complicated, if any of the following questions ring true for you. Either way, it might help to write down your thoughts and/or talk about them with a friend, family member, or someone else you trust.
Lastly, you may want to ask yourself if unbalanced feelings, where someone likes you more than you like them, and you feel stuck, have been present in past relationships, as well. If so, how did you handle them? If reciprocating strong feelings for someone has repeatedly been an issue in your relationships, it might be worth exploring this a bit further. Sometimes this can indicate that a person needs more time to focus on themselves and their own goals, has fears about relationships, perhaps due to personal or family issues, or has been trying to make relationships work with folks they know aren't good matches for them. Exploring these possibilities and others, by yourself or with a counselor, can help you learn to develop meaningful bonds in future relationships. If you are a Columbia student, you can make an appointment with a counselor at Counseling and Psychological Services (Morningside) or the Mental Health Service (CUMC). Hope this helps!
I'm currently in a relationship. The person I'm with has strong feelings for me. The only problem is that I don't feel the same about him as he feels about me. I'm scared that if I break up with him that he will tell people private stuff that I told him, and also I have strong feelings for someone else. I have no idea what to do. I don't want to hurt the person I'm with, but I can't keep telling myself that I do have strong feelings for him when I don't. Help me please!!!!
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| My partner feels more strongly about me than I do abo |
One of the most challeng
As you've discovered, however, not having the same feelings for the person we are with as s/he has for us can be confusing, painful, and a bit threatening. Staying in a relationship where you don't feel fulfilled can be draining. Hurting someone you care about is difficult, too. For you, it sounds as though the situation has also brought up doubts about how much you can trust your partner with private information you have shared.
Before you make decisions about what you want to do and when, it might be helpful to think about your doubts in more depth. This might be quick and easy, or may be more complicated, if any of the following questions ring true for you. Either way, it might help to write down your thoughts and/or talk about them with a friend, family member, or someone else you trust.
- When did you first become aware that you didn't feel as deeply for the person you are with as he does for you?
- Have you ever talked about this with him before? If so, how did he react?
- Even if you haven't talked about it, do you think he has a sense of whether you're feeling less interested?
- What past experiences might make you worry that he'll gossip about you or betray your confidence?
- How would you feel/what would you do if he does talk about you behind your back?
- Is your fear of his talking about you so great that it makes you want to continue the relationship?
- particular things that you've appreciated or enjoyed in the relationship
- your desire to be upfront
- the fact that the two of you seem to want/need different things at this point
- your readiness to move on and explore new things (Telling him there's a particular person you already like a lot may be hurtful. But if he's really resistant to breaking up, it might help him see the idea as real. Often, falling for someone else is a symptom that a relationship isn't working. Based on the situation, you can decide what you want to do.)
- your hope and expectation that he'll be sensitive about private information and moments you've shared with one another. Assure him that you'll do the same.
- how you envision your relationship in the future: do you want to remain friends? Will it be easier if you stop seeing one another entirely?
Lastly, you may want to ask yourself if unbalanced feelings, where someone likes you more than you like them, and you feel stuck, have been present in past relationships, as well. If so, how did you handle them? If reciprocating strong feelings for someone has repeatedly been an issue in your relationships, it might be worth exploring this a bit further. Sometimes this can indicate that a person needs more time to focus on themselves and their own goals, has fears about relationships, perhaps due to personal or family issues, or has been trying to make relationships work with folks they know aren't good matches for them. Exploring these possibilities and others, by yourself or with a counselor, can help you learn to develop meaningful bonds in future relationships. If you are a Columbia student, you can make an appointment with a counselor at Counseling and Psychological Services (Morningside) or the Mental Health Service (CUMC). Hope this helps!
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