Ended Relationship with a Married Man; Now I'm Second Guessing Myself

Three years ago, I met and fell in love with a married man. I was married too at the time. We both talked about leaving our spouses and ge...

Three years ago, I met and fell in love with a married man. I was married too at the time. We both talked about leaving our spouses and getting married to each other. I had been having major problems with my ex-husband being an alcoholic; we tried to help him out, but the problem remained. He married his wife after 6 months of dating even though he wasn't in love with her because whe became pregnant. He did what he thought was right at the time. Eventually I divorced, but he still hasn't. He kept telling me it was because of his kids; he wouldn't be able to forgive himself if they were severely affected by the divorce. His "kids" are 15, 21, and 24. I soon got tired of the situation and told him I needed a full commitment or I was walking away. I left my marriage like we had agreed on, but he hasn't. He sent me a long text telling me that he loves me a lot, a lot, and he can imagine how hard it is for me. That sometimes he wished he could live far away from everything but he can't. That he had grown so used to having me next to him. He also said that it's not that he'll never be ready to walk away, but he'll never be ready because something always comes up with his kids. (I don't know what the difference is!) He said he never thought it would be so hard to leave, not because of his wife, but because of his kids. He said he was sorry for dragging me into this, and that he felt awful that he couldn't fullfill my desire to be with him. That he hopes I understood how hard this is for him too. I blocked his phone number and sent him a simple, "Goodbye". Didn't wait for a reply or anything. Did I end it the right way? Now I'm thinking that maybe I should've at least talked to him about my decision. I just felt that we had discussed this issue so much that there was nothing left to say. Also, I was scared that he'd somehow pull me back into the relationship. I love him very much and would love nothing more than to be with him. But I don't believe anymore that he will ever be able to walk away.

Answer:
I do understand that you're second-guessing the way you ended it with him. Basically, you killed him off by texting a goodbye and then blocking his number.

You ask if you did it the right way. Clearly, you were acting on the feeling of being fed up and you pulled the plug. Of course, this wasn't the ideal way of dealing. It would have been better to speak to him and tell him that you were going to end it.

I think you need to cut yourself a break too. Your behavior sounds like a self-preservation move. I think that you abruptly slammed the door because you were afraid of your own tendency to get sucked back in. You've spoken with him many times about the issue, but always gave in and stayed with him even when he wasn't moving forward. By slamming the door, you were, I think, trying to guard against your own waffling and second guessing tendencies.

In spite of slamming the door, you're waffling now and wondering if you made a mistake.

The only thing I can suggest is that you write him a note and tell him why you did what you did. Then, you can affirm your limit by saying that as much as you love him you won't go on seeing him on the sly. If and when he leaves his wife, he can get in touch with you. If you're still single then it was meant to be. He shouldn't think you're sitting around waiting for him!

I also would be tempted to tell him that he needs to work on his own stuckness. It's not good for a parent to stay in a bad marriage "for the sake of the kids." Kids need to see parents who are happy. Often it's better for the kids when unhappy parents break-up.

Also, it seems that he's hiding behind the kids. They always need something. But, guess what. There not so young anymore. They're always going to need something. But he doesn't need to be married to handle those "somethings." It's as if he's playing on their need and dependency to avoid leaving his wife. Why? Did his father leave him when he was a kid? Is he trying to not do what was done to him? Is he scared of starting over with you and having your relationship fail as his marriage has failed. So, does he use the kids to avoid making that commitment to you? These are all things that I would want to have him thinking about. Getting him unsettled is a good thing. It just might light a fire under his butt to get help.

Besides, not having you and missing you can be another great impetus for him to get himself together.

But, since you love him, it's not the greatest idea to burn your bridges. So, if you write a letter, you can rebuild the bridge and still stick to your resolve to stay away until he gets it together and gets divorced.

Good luck. I hope he comes around. Stay strong! Don't settle for crumbs. Hold out for the entire cake from him or someone else!

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