Hello doctor. I'm Ben. We live in UK since 2011. I'm married to a awesome woman since 2000. We have 3 lovely girls too. 7 years old ...
Hello doctor.
I'm a desperate husband.
Signed by:
i'm awake now, hope is not too late
Answer:
Wow, what a mess! I hear that you’re awake, but, unfortunately, It feels to me like your wife is punishing you for all the years you were asleep! Now she’s dangling this other guy in front of your face and torturing you by repeatedly saying that she doesn’t know what she wants.
Meanwhile, you keep bending over backwards to prove to her that you’ve changed. In the process, you keep giving her everything and more. But the more you give, the more she dumps on you. This pattern needs to stop.
Remember, what doesn’t work, doesn’t work! You’re now like a rat in a maze, only you aren’t doing what a rat does naturally. Think about what humans do when they hit up against a dead-end wall. Humans keep banging their heads on the wall, and repeating the same behavior that isn’t working. What does a rat do? It backs up and finds another way out.
So, it’s time to think and act like a rat. And back up!
There’s more. You are making the mistake of rewarding her mistreatment of you. What do I mean? I get it that she’s hurt and disappointed by how you used to behave. Now she keeps dumping on you no matter how well you treat her. If you keep on giving to her, you are rewarding her behavior. In other words, you’re teaching her that she can continue to crap on you and you’ll not only take it, you’ll treat her nicely. Without knowing it you are the author of your own abuse!
At this point, you need to pull the plug on this pattern and say enough.
It's time to stop over-giving in actions.
Next, we need to find out the real reason behind her grudge holding. The first theory to explore is that she hasn't felt that you truly heard and understood where you went wrong with her. To check, ask her, "Do you feel that I fully understood what I did that didn’t work for you?” If she says you haven’t, then by all means encourage her to tell you again.
This time, make sure you’ve mastered all my listening skills (my book Till Death Us Part (Unless I Kill You First ) http://drlove.com/content/till-death-do-us-part-unless-i-kill-you-first-step-step-guide-resolving-relationship will show you how to do this. For most couples, truly listening and understanding is what’s needed to bury the hatchet.
If she still won’t bury the hatchet, then let's explore the next possible roadblock: she’s afraid to trust you again, for fear of being hurt and let down. To check this out, you could ask, “Are you afraid to let down your guard with me for fear I’ll slip back to my old ways?”
If she says that this is true, then tell her that she doesn’t need to drop her guard, she just needs to invest some time into rebuilding the relationship with you. Time will prove to her whether you’ve changed or not.
At this point, you need to respect yourself enough to put your foot down and demand that she poop or get off the pot. This means stop all her dallying with "what’s his name" and put herself into this relationship with both feet. She can keep up her guard, but she can’t keep playing both sides of the fence.
If she still insists on keeping up her flirtation and torturing you with the cold shoulder, then you need to back off and separate from her. At this point, you’ll need to tell her that she can let you know if and when she wants to try, but that you aren’t going to continue investing in a relationship that she isn’t also willing to invest in.
If I’m right and she’s getting off on torturing you, when you put your foot down and pull the plug, she’ll stop her antics.
Please let me know how you make out.
I'm Ben. We live in UK since 2011. I'm married to a awesome woman since 2000. We have 3 lovely girls too. 7 years old twins, and 11 years old. I'm an honest man and father. I think I always tried to keep my eyes on my wife, I mean I tried to look only at her and avoid looking for different women. Today I'm devasted.. Three months ago, I had a big argument with my wife (it was for sex initially but then we finished with me going for work without taking my mobile with me). Second day I tried to ask forgiveness and to please her in any way. Two days after this she left country for a couple of days abroad. It's a very long story and complicated. All started back in November 2012. And it came up in January 13.
In January I started to panic in a serious manner. I've seen something that made me search deeper. In November my wife started to use Englistown.com in her attempt to improve English language. Well this site seems now for me like a dating site, because there are thousands of people, most of them for chat/dating only. She started to make new friends, a lot of new friends, especially male friends. In December already she got a few close friends, exchanging life details, and some sweet words. English language is so sweet sometimes.... :(.
I was so wrong last three months. I tried to do everything to save my marriage, I changed all my behaviour, I've started to read a lot about love and partnership. I tried to talk a lot with my wife. At the beginning of this chats with my wife it was the worst, we get in arguments every time, big words, sharp words, old resentments, all possible. Long hours in night. After one month I manged to calm down my voice, and to use some of your tactics to listen and avoid shouting again. At that moment my wife didn't talk so much with me, I use to talk and t alk and talk, and she was looking like absent, or doing nails, or anything else. She told me in a few times that she had enough talk. She was trying now to avoid Talking. She did not believe me in anything. She tried to push me to have new friends too. She tried to convince me that is not wrong to talk with friends online, because they are anyway far away, and nothing can happens. I asked to see what are they talking about all day. She showed me in few occasions, I saw by myself in other few occasion (yes I spyed, shame on me). I found that she told me small lies, she disrespected me when I was phoning her or chatting her she was chatting in the same time with other people leaving me on the last place. All this were so hard to be on me.... But today I found out the worst ever. She refused to look in my eyes in last few months. Yesterday evening I tried again to explain what is happening, I tried to say again that she must do something for us. But she says like always that she can't feel anything, and she used to say in months before to give her more time to see what's going to happend. Finally yesterday evening she finished with I want to watch TV now. I was working again in last night, and it's true mind can be the biggest enemy.
We were taking about 4 days before when she was driving, it was a long drive. I came up with idea that maybe with should have new partners/friends or try some new (just before that I made o joke about two lice having sex toghether, and she answered maybe three...). I've seen a sparkling in her eye and she said, yes maybe we should be more freely/libertins.. I remember that she told me before, that we will be much better if we will be only friends. I continued with this idea and she was very cooperative with this discussion.
In last three months I was very stressed about this issue. I felt my wife didn't like to talk with me, didn't appreciate me, she argue with me about everything. Our sex was reduced to 1-2 min, and more rarely, like once in a week, despite I was asking for more and more.
She didn't understand me, why I was so changed, why I care about so much for her now, because she believe that I was so indifferent before. She's saying that she felt me only I liked her body and sex (she's a good looking woman), and I think that she blocked all good memories somehow and she is remembering now only bad moments. I've been accused that I didn't loved her in last 13 years almost at all. I'm looking in our pictures and I can see her keeping her hands on me, I can see her beautiful and natural smile in. many pictures, but she can see only mess around kitchen in pictures, only "can't you see how I was keeping my hand here?" Or "this is a bad picture why did you posted on Facebook, do you want to make fun with me?" ...
Ok this morning, when I woke up, I was very quiet, very upset, I couldn't smile at all, and she tried to make me talk. And she was asking and asking what happened what happened? (she thought that I made something wrong over the night, I'm afraid that she actually is waiting for me to have a wrong step). Ok after many minutes, actually I was in garage to leave for work, and Lucy come again to me saying "if you want to say something I'm listening". Finally I asked again: "what do you what from life from us?" Do you want to go any further or not". I got the same answer as usual "I don't know". I asked again something like "what is your dream" and I found that she is feeling something about some guy, a maroco guy. That she started to feel something about two Weeks ago, and now is a bit stronger because we were in a trip to Italy last week and she couldn't speak to him in this week. I insisted to find out who is it. And when I found out I felt like entire sky fall down on me. It was one of her closest friends but the one from I expected less, the one who is sending her texts in middle of the night, the one who was talking less to her every time. This guy is apparently 24 years old which had a girlfriend from my origin country, and they both Started to chat about this girl. After a while apparently my wife started to chat with him about me and her personal life. I found now that this guy left her girlfriend (after 3 years) exactly this year in December-January. My wife kept this away from me to save me having worries. I had a lot worries anyway starting with January, because she suddenly became more confident, more sexy, more makeup, and more Skype video callings....
This was the worst moment for me ever. We had a big argument because of this guy like about 5 Weeks ago. After we decided to have sex (actually she asked for this time) only once in a week, it was the second week, and I couldn't guess, will we gonna have sex or not, so I asked properly to avoid any arguments. Lucy said "yes we will if you want this" but was a hard voice tone. She send me first to have a bath, I rushed and I when came out she was nowhere. I found her downstairs in lounge talking on the phone with maroco guy, it was something like 9.30pm. We had a really big argue after that.... which finished with me sleeping on sofa for next 5 days.
I have to say about me that I used to be confident, maybe to confident especially with my Lucy, I also was a verbal abuser, I'm also too sarcastic sometimes. I was lasy, watching to much TV. But also I was working hard like 11 hours in a day, 7 day in a week. I'm too absent from home I think. I forgot to appreciate, I forgot to give support, i forgot to take out the garbage, to stay for short chat with my wife in evening, i became too fat up too 92kilos...
Now I've lost like 15 kilos in first month, I eat a lot of stress, and I'm sleeping on the couch again. I don't know for how long this time.
Lucy is a good wife, she can see all I'm doing to save us, but she can't feel anything special for me. Also she is preparing nice diners every evening, she is pulling back herself from Skype and other chats, but she can't leave this few friends, male friends, she is saying that they helped her when she needed. Also there are a few more other stories with this chats in last few months. I've seen a lot of appreciation and sweet words in In her conversation with this boys. But I said to my wife too, don't you think that you are provocative too? Can't you see that you are the one who initiate most chats and you are the first who came with sweet words and thoughts? And she is saying "what did I said?..." I always said that I'm married first".
(Ooh this couch is so uncomfortable...)
We were talking this evening, and she said to me that I should be more optimistic that is not going to happens anything in next 2-3-10 years. Ok but I want more, and I want her to care about me, to wait my phone calls, not others... She is saying to wait and see. She is saying that she is trying. But waiting doesn't mean trying.
I'm going lower in her eyes and her affection for maroc is growing up.
She is so wonderful, we fight arguments many times but I love Lucy, I want her, I want grow old next to her. I wish her love, but I want her happy too, for this I will step back if I need too see her happy. I want to stay, but I can't if she is unhappy. I need to be secure for tomorrow and the day aftertomorrow. How can I have my wife back? I've started to work even harder than before, i'm driving kids to school, i can't watch any more tv, i've got a life insurance on me, i've tried to buy her anything jeweleries, expensive things, i'm trying to talk every day, and she can see me but is falling for a marroco guy, 24?.... What else can i do? Should i leave home for 1-2 weeks? What else should i do?
I'm 34 and Lucy is 1year 8months older than me.
I'm a desperate husband.
Signed by:
i'm awake now, hope is not too late
Answer:
Wow, what a mess! I hear that you’re awake, but, unfortunately, It feels to me like your wife is punishing you for all the years you were asleep! Now she’s dangling this other guy in front of your face and torturing you by repeatedly saying that she doesn’t know what she wants.
 |
| Bored Wife |
Remember, what doesn’t work, doesn’t work! You’re now like a rat in a maze, only you aren’t doing what a rat does naturally. Think about what humans do when they hit up against a dead-end wall. Humans keep banging their heads on the wall, and repeating the same behavior that isn’t working. What does a rat do? It backs up and finds another way out.
So, it’s time to think and act like a rat. And back up!
There’s more. You are making the mistake of rewarding her mistreatment of you. What do I mean? I get it that she’s hurt and disappointed by how you used to behave. Now she keeps dumping on you no matter how well you treat her. If you keep on giving to her, you are rewarding her behavior. In other words, you’re teaching her that she can continue to crap on you and you’ll not only take it, you’ll treat her nicely. Without knowing it you are the author of your own abuse!
At this point, you need to pull the plug on this pattern and say enough.
It's time to stop over-giving in actions.
Next, we need to find out the real reason behind her grudge holding. The first theory to explore is that she hasn't felt that you truly heard and understood where you went wrong with her. To check, ask her, "Do you feel that I fully understood what I did that didn’t work for you?” If she says you haven’t, then by all means encourage her to tell you again.
This time, make sure you’ve mastered all my listening skills (my book Till Death Us Part (Unless I Kill You First ) http://drlove.com/content/till-death-do-us-part-unless-i-kill-you-first-step-step-guide-resolving-relationship will show you how to do this. For most couples, truly listening and understanding is what’s needed to bury the hatchet.
If she still won’t bury the hatchet, then let's explore the next possible roadblock: she’s afraid to trust you again, for fear of being hurt and let down. To check this out, you could ask, “Are you afraid to let down your guard with me for fear I’ll slip back to my old ways?”
If she says that this is true, then tell her that she doesn’t need to drop her guard, she just needs to invest some time into rebuilding the relationship with you. Time will prove to her whether you’ve changed or not.
At this point, you need to respect yourself enough to put your foot down and demand that she poop or get off the pot. This means stop all her dallying with "what’s his name" and put herself into this relationship with both feet. She can keep up her guard, but she can’t keep playing both sides of the fence.
If she still insists on keeping up her flirtation and torturing you with the cold shoulder, then you need to back off and separate from her. At this point, you’ll need to tell her that she can let you know if and when she wants to try, but that you aren’t going to continue investing in a relationship that she isn’t also willing to invest in.
If I’m right and she’s getting off on torturing you, when you put your foot down and pull the plug, she’ll stop her antics.
Please let me know how you make out.
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