In a marriage, spouses continually need each other, whether it's for emotional support during a hard time or to attend a boring work eve...
In a marriage, spouses continually need each other, whether it's for emotional support during a hard time or to attend a boring work event so one doesn't have to suffer alone. But some expectations of your husband—or of your marriage—are unrealistic.
Here, experts draw the line between what's acceptable and what's simply asking too much.
Whatever your issue is with his mother—maybe he sometimes puts her first over you or you two simply don't get along—drop it for your husband's (and your relationship's) sake. She is, after all, the reason he exists in the first place. "Will it kill you to let her sit in the passenger seat when he drives, and you take the rear? Yes, it’s demeaning, but keep the situation in perspective," says relationship expert April Masini. "Don’t put the burden of your issues with her on him. You’ll drive a wedge between the two of you, not him and his mom."
RELATED: 10 Things Never To Say To Your Mother-In-Law
2. To listen to you like a female friend would.
Your husband should hear you out in tough times, but he shouldn’t be your personal venting to-go. "Men and women tend to have different goals with communication, with men concerned about identifying and fixing problems, and women expressing feelings and connecting emotionally, says relationship expert David Bennett, author of Eleven Dating Mistakes Women Make (And How to Correct Them). "To expect him to actively listen to gossip will make him frustrated, and you will be frustrated when he doesn't fulfill that role adequately."
3. To never notice another woman.
Men—and many of their wives, too—can't help but notice a beautiful woman, says relationship coach Jason Nik, and it's unreasonable to expect your husband to divert his glance whenever a pretty female walks by. "Looking is natural, and it's not even unhealthy as long as it's just looking," Nik says. Obviously, if your husband is full-on flirting with another woman (beautiful or not), confront him about his behavior.
As for the truly crucial tasks, "explain to him where the duty fits in for the family's overall plan for the day; then, discuss your responsibilities," Reeves advises. "That way, he feels like he’s a part of the decision to take accountability for picking up the children, rather than simply feeling he’s being nagged."
Your husband needs outside confidantes, pals of his own gender who he can, well, be a guy around, just like you need time with your female friends. "If you cut off those resources, he’s going to be less healthy and less happy, and chances are, see you as the source of those feelings," says Masini.
As far as female friends go, "if she’s not able to honor boundaries—as in, she's inappropriately seductive—then it’s time for him to give her a fond farewell, and let her know that this isn't right in the context of his marriage," says clinical psychologist Ramani Durvasula, PhD.
If a milestone matters to you, communicate that directly with your husband beforehand. If he still overlooks it, be direct and calmly explain why you're disappointed: Don't guilt-trip him or expect him to telepathically understand how his oversight affected you. "It’s unrealistic to expect that he interpret the deepness of your sigh. FBI experts go through years of training for that," Reeves says.
Giving silent treatment and withholding affection (especially sex) in order to get your way is juvenile and counterintuitive: Instead of reacting to you, your husband will likely retreat. Being passive-aggressive “is one of the most destructive forms of relationship communication— it creates a negative cycle that only gets worse and creates anger and resentment," Reeves explains.
If you feel like your husband owes you an apology, don't make your feelings sound less important than they are (passive), and don't attack him (aggressive), Reeves says. Instead, be assertive with an "I statement"—"I feel hurt when you ignore me because it makes me feel like you’re not taking into consideration what I have to say. I feel I deserve an apology for the way you dismissed me yesterday at dinner; next time, could you please acknowledge me?
Photos by Angela Cappetta, Kolet, Paul Bradbury, Slobodan Vasic
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| The 9 Things You Should Never Ask of Your Husband |
1. To choose between you and his mother.
Whatever your issue is with his mother—maybe he sometimes puts her first over you or you two simply don't get along—drop it for your husband's (and your relationship's) sake. She is, after all, the reason he exists in the first place. "Will it kill you to let her sit in the passenger seat when he drives, and you take the rear? Yes, it’s demeaning, but keep the situation in perspective," says relationship expert April Masini. "Don’t put the burden of your issues with her on him. You’ll drive a wedge between the two of you, not him and his mom."
RELATED: 10 Things Never To Say To Your Mother-In-Law
2. To listen to you like a female friend would.
Your husband should hear you out in tough times, but he shouldn’t be your personal venting to-go. "Men and women tend to have different goals with communication, with men concerned about identifying and fixing problems, and women expressing feelings and connecting emotionally, says relationship expert David Bennett, author of Eleven Dating Mistakes Women Make (And How to Correct Them). "To expect him to actively listen to gossip will make him frustrated, and you will be frustrated when he doesn't fulfill that role adequately."
3. To never notice another woman.
 |
| The 9 Things You Should Never Ask of Your Husband |
4. To give up his passions, whether professional or personal.
Your husband's interests are likely part of what attracted you to him in the first place, so resist resenting the time and energy he spends on those things once you're married. "When a husband throws himself into work or a hobby, it isn't to ignore family, but to ground himself for his overall happiness," says Bennett. That said, balance is key: His passion shouldn't deny you regular family time or a weekly date night.5. To be a different man.
It's natural to occasionally wonder why did I marry this person? after many years together. But remember that a trait you loathe in your husband may be the flip-side of one you love, says South Florida–based licensed marriage and family therapist Nakya Reeves. Say your spontaneous husband has trouble staying on schedule. Reeves suggests picking your battles: You may really need him to pick the kids up on time, but let his habit of being late for dinner go.As for the truly crucial tasks, "explain to him where the duty fits in for the family's overall plan for the day; then, discuss your responsibilities," Reeves advises. "That way, he feels like he’s a part of the decision to take accountability for picking up the children, rather than simply feeling he’s being nagged."
6. To stop seeing his friends.
 |
| The 9 Things You Should Never Ask of Your Husband |
As far as female friends go, "if she’s not able to honor boundaries—as in, she's inappropriately seductive—then it’s time for him to give her a fond farewell, and let her know that this isn't right in the context of his marriage," says clinical psychologist Ramani Durvasula, PhD.
7. To remember every moment in your relationship that was special to you.
Women tend to retain emotional memories better than men do—our brains are simply wired that way. While you remember the exact date and time of your engagement, your husband likely doesn't.If a milestone matters to you, communicate that directly with your husband beforehand. If he still overlooks it, be direct and calmly explain why you're disappointed: Don't guilt-trip him or expect him to telepathically understand how his oversight affected you. "It’s unrealistic to expect that he interpret the deepness of your sigh. FBI experts go through years of training for that," Reeves says.
8. To share all of your interests.
Don't ask him to join you frequently for activities you like but he doesn't, advises relationship expert Tina B. Tessina, PhD. In fact, enjoying time apart with your separate passions will strengthen your bond. "Give him the chance to feel your absence from time to time," she says. "He'll react by getting back into courting behavior and letting you know he appreciates you." Then, you can do something you both enjoy together, which allows you to create fun memories—and be fun for each other, Dr. Tessina says.9. To be the bigger person when you're acting childish.
 |
| The 9 Things You Should Never Ask of Your Husband |
If you feel like your husband owes you an apology, don't make your feelings sound less important than they are (passive), and don't attack him (aggressive), Reeves says. Instead, be assertive with an "I statement"—"I feel hurt when you ignore me because it makes me feel like you’re not taking into consideration what I have to say. I feel I deserve an apology for the way you dismissed me yesterday at dinner; next time, could you please acknowledge me?
Photos by Angela Cappetta, Kolet, Paul Bradbury, Slobodan Vasic
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