Docta My boyfriend of three years has a female friend who calls him daily. He speaks to her for hours on end! And the worst part is that she...
Docta
Please Help!
Answer: I must say that I don’t like the situation you are in here, but I dislike the situation that you put him in, too. Ultimatums are almost always a bad idea. It would have been much better had you come to him and simply, calmly, discussed your feelings about these chats he is having.
Are you jealous? Then say so. Ask him how he would feel if you were to chat for hours daily with a male friend who he knew was in love with you. Ask him to close his eyes and really picture this scenario, see how this would make him feel. I don’t know any guy who would be comfortable in this situation. I know I wouldn’t!
I think this simple exercise would serve to wake him up from what he is doing here.
Decide What You Want
What exactly would you like for him to do? Discontinue speaking with her altogether, limit their conversations to once weekly… include you in some of the conversations, what?
You need to know exactly what would make you feel better before you even approach your boyfriend. Tell him exactly what would make you feel better, and he will be much more likely to respond when he sees solid steps he can take to make you feel better about this whole thing.
I’m sure that he in no way intends to hurt you. People love attention, we all like to be loved. If you were getting attention from a man who told you that he misses and loves you constantly, you would probably want to speak with him too, wouldn’t you? Of course this exceeds boundaries, primarily because it bothers you, but understand where he is coming from, too.
He Doesn’t Mean to Upset You!
You must understand this fact. I highly doubt there is anything at all going on here, as he doesn’t hide from you the fact that they speak at all. I would trust the fact that there is nothing going on here. However this isn’t the issue. The issue lies in how YOU feel about this whole thing.
Your boyfriend is wrong to continue the friendship after her expressions of love for him and your displeasure. He’s being unfair to you here, and he just needs to realize this. He is also being very unfair to her by very obviously leading her on, and while he may not want to upset her, as she is his “friend,” he still needs to put things in perspective here.
When to Beware
I can’t end this without putting in a word of warning:
If after you have a calm conversation with your boyfriend, he still resists discontinuing these conversations (or you find that he starts hiding them from you), then LEAVE HIM.
You deserve better than someone who is unwilling to do something so simple to satisfy your emotional needs. Beyond that, if he is unwilling, then something more is going on here, and it should be plenty obvious to you at that point.
Good luck. I’ll keep my fingers crossed that all goes well and this whole thing stays in the past as you two move forward.
My boyfriend of three years has a female friend who calls him daily. He speaks to her for hours on end! And the worst part is that she’s said many times to him, in text messages and emails, that she’s…
In Love with Him!
They used to live close by but he has since moved for a job, and they haven’t seen each other since he moved. He swears to me that they have been friends the entire time and were never anything more, but I have personally seen text messages where she tells him about how she feels about him, tells him she misses him, and can’t wait to see him.
I spoke to him about this and he said that he doesn’t care about her in “that way.” Then I told him that we should break it off because he talks to her so much, and he said that he doesn’t want that. And yet, he spends hours every night talking to this girl, without fail!
I want to stay with him. I don’t know how to approach this anymore.
Please Help!
Answer: I must say that I don’t like the situation you are in here, but I dislike the situation that you put him in, too. Ultimatums are almost always a bad idea. It would have been much better had you come to him and simply, calmly, discussed your feelings about these chats he is having.
 |
| She Gave Him an Ultimatum. Was She Right? |
I think this simple exercise would serve to wake him up from what he is doing here.
Decide What You Want
What exactly would you like for him to do? Discontinue speaking with her altogether, limit their conversations to once weekly… include you in some of the conversations, what?
You need to know exactly what would make you feel better before you even approach your boyfriend. Tell him exactly what would make you feel better, and he will be much more likely to respond when he sees solid steps he can take to make you feel better about this whole thing.
I’m sure that he in no way intends to hurt you. People love attention, we all like to be loved. If you were getting attention from a man who told you that he misses and loves you constantly, you would probably want to speak with him too, wouldn’t you? Of course this exceeds boundaries, primarily because it bothers you, but understand where he is coming from, too.
 |
| She Gave Him an Ultimatum. Was She Right? |
You must understand this fact. I highly doubt there is anything at all going on here, as he doesn’t hide from you the fact that they speak at all. I would trust the fact that there is nothing going on here. However this isn’t the issue. The issue lies in how YOU feel about this whole thing.
Your boyfriend is wrong to continue the friendship after her expressions of love for him and your displeasure. He’s being unfair to you here, and he just needs to realize this. He is also being very unfair to her by very obviously leading her on, and while he may not want to upset her, as she is his “friend,” he still needs to put things in perspective here.
When to Beware
I can’t end this without putting in a word of warning:
If after you have a calm conversation with your boyfriend, he still resists discontinuing these conversations (or you find that he starts hiding them from you), then LEAVE HIM.
You deserve better than someone who is unwilling to do something so simple to satisfy your emotional needs. Beyond that, if he is unwilling, then something more is going on here, and it should be plenty obvious to you at that point.
Good luck. I’ll keep my fingers crossed that all goes well and this whole thing stays in the past as you two move forward.
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