How do you maintain a friendship with the ex when you are secretly hoping you'll get back together. (Q) My boyfriend and I broke up one ...
How do you maintain a friendship with the ex when you are secretly hoping you'll get back together.
(Q) My boyfriend and I broke up one month ago, but we are still texting each other daily – usually initiated by me. I have accepted the relationship is over but he says he still cares for me and wants to be friends. If I agree to this I know I will live in hope of us getting back together. Is this why he is doing this?
(A) There's no explaining why he's offering this reciprocal communication. I'm assuming since you are initiating the texting and living in the hope of reconciliation, that he was the one to break it off.
It may be guilt on his part therefore rejecting you but not insisting on cutting all ties, or he's using you for security.
There is a common occurrence in relationships that end that causes confusion.
That is when one or the other, or both, love each other but recognise that the relationship won't work. The rejected party simply doesn't understand why they aren't together if their feelings are still there.
He says he still cares for you. This may be true. But 'caring' is inexpensive. On a good day you can love the mailman. This is quite different from commitment. For whatever reason, your ex-boyfriend no longer wants to continue your relationship in a committed fashion.
Although difficult to do, since you apparently still have strong feelings for him, it would be better for you to cut off all communication. That way he will get to live his life without the security blanket of knowing you're always on the other end of a text message. If he's ambivalent, your total absence should make his true emotions more forthcoming.
Both of you will discover whether life goes better with each other as partners or not. He could discover that breaking it off was the right decision. You could decide the same thing. Or he may feel that it's too painful to break it off altogether and come back offering a 'sort of' relationship, this is inadequate and all you'll get in the end is the same feelings of rejection you have now. The only way to even consider reconciliation is if he's offering a long term commitment. This entails knowing himself well enough to be able to do that.
If this were to happen it would be wise for you to get relationship counselling. And if it really is over, it would be a good idea for you to get individual counselling to work on your level of entitlement. Since you still want him back, it says that you're willing to settle for 'someone who cares and wants friendship'. This denotes a lack of self worth on your part. You should not be satisfied for anything less than a real relationship with someone who knows himself and is ready to make a full fledged commitment to you.
(Q) My boyfriend and I broke up one month ago, but we are still texting each other daily – usually initiated by me. I have accepted the relationship is over but he says he still cares for me and wants to be friends. If I agree to this I know I will live in hope of us getting back together. Is this why he is doing this?
(A) There's no explaining why he's offering this reciprocal communication. I'm assuming since you are initiating the texting and living in the hope of reconciliation, that he was the one to break it off.
It may be guilt on his part therefore rejecting you but not insisting on cutting all ties, or he's using you for security.
There is a common occurrence in relationships that end that causes confusion.
That is when one or the other, or both, love each other but recognise that the relationship won't work. The rejected party simply doesn't understand why they aren't together if their feelings are still there.
He says he still cares for you. This may be true. But 'caring' is inexpensive. On a good day you can love the mailman. This is quite different from commitment. For whatever reason, your ex-boyfriend no longer wants to continue your relationship in a committed fashion.
Although difficult to do, since you apparently still have strong feelings for him, it would be better for you to cut off all communication. That way he will get to live his life without the security blanket of knowing you're always on the other end of a text message. If he's ambivalent, your total absence should make his true emotions more forthcoming.
Both of you will discover whether life goes better with each other as partners or not. He could discover that breaking it off was the right decision. You could decide the same thing. Or he may feel that it's too painful to break it off altogether and come back offering a 'sort of' relationship, this is inadequate and all you'll get in the end is the same feelings of rejection you have now. The only way to even consider reconciliation is if he's offering a long term commitment. This entails knowing himself well enough to be able to do that.
If this were to happen it would be wise for you to get relationship counselling. And if it really is over, it would be a good idea for you to get individual counselling to work on your level of entitlement. Since you still want him back, it says that you're willing to settle for 'someone who cares and wants friendship'. This denotes a lack of self worth on your part. You should not be satisfied for anything less than a real relationship with someone who knows himself and is ready to make a full fledged commitment to you.
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