(Q) How do I find someone who deserves me? I was dating a man for almost a year. Then out of the blue he dumped and insulted me by text. I w...
(Q) How do I find someone who deserves me? I was dating a man for almost a year. Then out of the blue he dumped and insulted me by text. I was devastated. He blamed everything on me and said that I have no self esteem and can't communicate (how ironic for someone dumping me via text). Great way to dump someone, Huh?
(A) I have a feeling that if I described your boyfriend as someone by whom you were not surprised by his cowardly, unthinking way of 'dumping' you, that you'd agree.
I would also guess that you might have picked him because of this. To have a boyfriend of a year it would have been enough time to realise that he was this kind of person, perhaps not to you but to others you witnessed or heard about.
The reason for being attracted to this kind of man is usually seated in an experience you had earlier where a man you loved very much and who you thought loved you back as strongly let you down and destroyed your trust. You were devastated and made an oath that you'd only love a man who had 'rejection' written all over him, but with a charming veneer. You'd fall in love with the charm totally ignoring that underneath there was a snake in the grass.
You'd go on for a period of time until the snake could hide no longer and then boom! Out of nowhere he materialises as the snake he secretly always was.
Why would a person do this? It's because when the original person hurt you, you didn't see it coming, you believed it would last forever. But it didn't and you were caught off guard.
You were not only devastated, but humiliated, surprised and out of control.
The way to be in control of being dumped is to pick a dumper. The control comes from knowing from the beginning what the outcome will be. That way you get dumped but you saw it coming: "That always happens to me," "I knew that was going to happen." No surprises there. Put that chapter in the bin. Start again. Take a chance on a man who would never do that. It might not work out but at least you'd be willing to be at risk, and you would have conquered the fear that devastation is the end. It isn't. Not surviving is the end. You survived last time. You'll survive this. You'll survive the next time. You'll brush yourself off and get back in the game.
(A) I have a feeling that if I described your boyfriend as someone by whom you were not surprised by his cowardly, unthinking way of 'dumping' you, that you'd agree.
I would also guess that you might have picked him because of this. To have a boyfriend of a year it would have been enough time to realise that he was this kind of person, perhaps not to you but to others you witnessed or heard about.
The reason for being attracted to this kind of man is usually seated in an experience you had earlier where a man you loved very much and who you thought loved you back as strongly let you down and destroyed your trust. You were devastated and made an oath that you'd only love a man who had 'rejection' written all over him, but with a charming veneer. You'd fall in love with the charm totally ignoring that underneath there was a snake in the grass.
You'd go on for a period of time until the snake could hide no longer and then boom! Out of nowhere he materialises as the snake he secretly always was.
Why would a person do this? It's because when the original person hurt you, you didn't see it coming, you believed it would last forever. But it didn't and you were caught off guard.
You were not only devastated, but humiliated, surprised and out of control.
The way to be in control of being dumped is to pick a dumper. The control comes from knowing from the beginning what the outcome will be. That way you get dumped but you saw it coming: "That always happens to me," "I knew that was going to happen." No surprises there. Put that chapter in the bin. Start again. Take a chance on a man who would never do that. It might not work out but at least you'd be willing to be at risk, and you would have conquered the fear that devastation is the end. It isn't. Not surviving is the end. You survived last time. You'll survive this. You'll survive the next time. You'll brush yourself off and get back in the game.
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