HELLO there folks, how blessed are we to have had these wonderful drizzles. I do not know about you, but I certainly appreciate them. The se...
HELLO there folks, how blessed are we to have had these wonderful drizzles. I do not know about you, but I certainly appreciate them. The seasons are changing again, and Christmas is fast approaching. Time has gone by so quickly. This week I am answering the following from a Lady.
I fell in love with a man in 2009. We agreed to move in together be4 marriage in April 2010. He’s now 45 & m 28. He has three children from 3 different mothers but I don’t hv any coz m infertile. We stay together with the children & I was looking after them. All was well til 2013,all that long I was doing vending for a living, I used to give him money for bus fare even his children when going to school.
He banned me from doing my vending & say I must be a full tym house wife, I stayed home 4 the whole 2014, he started telling me stories about his salary akange asingachandipe & he gave me a lot of rules kusvikira pakundirambidza kuenda kuchurch. It didn’t go down well with me, so I decided to go back to my vending so that I can survive starting in Feb this year now he z in the habit of beating me up & stealing my hard earned money. He never got to marry me or even talked about marriage. Please help me what can I do?
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| HELLO there folks, how blessed are we to have had these wonderful drizzles. I do not know about you, but I certainly appreciate them. The seasons are changing again, and Christmas is fast approaching. Time has gone by so quickly. This week I am answering the following from a Lady. |
Hello there dear:
I have to admit when I read your letter there were a few things that surprised me about why you are still with this man, although I suspect why. First, the age difference between the two of you is two decades my dear, one decade is hard enough, but two?You are in your twenties just starting life, with lots of energy. He is in his mid forties, getting closer to preparing for retirement in a few years. He already has 3 kids and soon grand kids. Can you see the problem already, he has gone through most of life’s important cycles as a human being, you have not even begun my dear. To find a middle ground here is going to be very difficult.
Secondly his reputation with marriage has not been a good one.
Three kids from three different women and you are his fourth woman, and not even married. My dear I do not think you are unable to have kids, I think the universe or your ancestors are protecting you from having a child with this man considering what he has done with other women in the past. It is very clear to me my dear that your man has a problem with commitment.
My question to you is that what makes you think he is going to marry you now. Why should he, you have already given him everything he needs from you, now he is doing what many insecure men do, they remove all their wives privileges, keep them at home so they can control them, and then spend their days having affairs out there. Very soon there will be another child, but not from you.
Thirdly there are very few men who want their wives to earn more than them, this is just the way things are. But my dear for a man who is not earning a constant salary to refuse his wife to assist with finances – that to me is a problem. I am sure he is feeling less that a man because he cannot even support his kids (you were doing that). But if he loves you, he would help you in your business, since his job was not paying him.
There are many men out there who support their wives vending business, but helping sell the goods at their work places, or sitting at the table when the wife needs to travel etc. There is nothing wrong there. But when a man refuses his wife to help him support the family and yet he himself is failing to support them, what is wrong with him?
Fourthly my dear, your man at his age is set in his ways. They say life begins at 40 years old, but for men, it begins in their thirties, by the time they are in their forties, they are set in their ways, unless life forces them to change. Your man has lived, looking at his reputation, so you and your energy is threatening his comfortable life.
Your man needs a wife who is less energetic, less lively and more homely. He needs someone who is happy with the basics in life, who is less demanding of life pleasures and is happy serving him and his kids only. I presume your man thought you would worship him because as a woman who “cant” have kids, he probably believes there are no men out there who can marry you. This my dear brings me to my next point.
Fifth point my dear is that, if my calculations are correct, you met this man when you were in your mid twenties (very young). I do not know who told you that you were unable to have kids, but at that age, unless your womb was taken out or unless you do not have ovaries, there is always a chance that you can have kids my dear. If you are with this man because you thought at least he has a family and they can be yours.
It is a noble thought, but this is a decision that you cannot make at such a young age my dear. Being a mother of one child in your twenties is hard enough. Being a mother of three children (each child from another mother), is crazy my dear.
These kids could end up resenting you as the one who took their father from their mother. Worse still when they see how rough their father is towards you, they could act rebellious towards you making life between you and your man worse. And because you have not had the chance to mature as a mother, you might end up resenting them too.
Then being banned from going to church. Wena haikona! I do not care what is going wrong in a home, if you are going to church and in touch with your God, things can change. But when a man stops his wife from going to church, what is the problem pano? What reasonable reason would he give for this? It is the church that is helping you stay grounded in your marriage, in fact that is where he should be going, so that he is reminded of what it means to be a husband.
But then again since you are not married, I guess he is not your husband. And the church would call this living in sin and they would demand that he legalises your relationship.
Possibly this is where the issue is; he has no intention of legalising your relationship, he is enjoying the benefits of having a wife without having to pay the price, spiritually, emotionally or physically for it. Spiritually you are in adultery therefore blocking your blessings, Physically you are prostituting yourself (you are not the wife), and emotionally you are telling yourself that you are not worthy of anything better (but Bible says you are wonderfully & fearfully made).
Stop it! Pack your bags and leave. If this man is serious he will come and find you with a bride price “lobola”. You are still young and beautiful and energetic, you will find a good Godly man in time if you continue going to church. You will be found by a man who will love and appreciate you as God demands that he should. And you will be a good supportive wife to him, because you have already proved you can. I know you are feeling sorry for your current man and maybe his kids. But every human being gets the chance to make a change for the better every day. After different women and making kids, this man still has not learnt how to love and appreciate women, or even how to be a good husband.
As for stealing your money and beating you wena, wena – leave! There is not love, respect or future in this relationship as it stands. Hope you make the right decision my dear. Until next week God bless.
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