I get a lot of questions…a lot…from women who are wondering why the ‘modern man’ doesn’t seem to want to commit these days. It’s a real issu...
I get a lot of questions…a lot…from women who are wondering why the ‘modern man’ doesn’t seem to want to commit these days. It’s a real issue because anyone – man or woman – who is consistently burned will of course become hesitant to give their heart to someone new.
Now, before I start getting flack for this article from men, because I know I will – I have to say that I of course understand there are plenty of women out there who are also dishonest and just go out to have a good time and don’t want a relationship either. But that is a different article for a different time.
Because of the volume of discussions related to non-committal men, I believe it is a worthwhile conversation to have. Some people like to blame social media. They say there are ‘so many options’ out there these days that people are always looking for something better. While it is true that social media may make it easier to cheat and be unfaithful, it would be ridiculous to place the blame on it as the root of cheating. Everyone knows there has been infidelity for centuries before anyone even knew what a “Facebook” was.
If someone is going to cheat, they will find a way to cheat. If they are not going to cheat – no amount of beautiful Facebook friends or Twitter followers will make them do it. It may be a tool that enables someone, but only someone willing to use it.
There seems to be a lack of willingness to commit to anything in general these days. There are no more “lifers” when it comes to the workplace. I rarely, if ever, hear of anyone who is starting up a career at a company and plans to be there for the next 50 years. Instead, the modern men (and women) are jumping into fast-paced startups, making their own splash, and moving on to the next big thing as it comes along.
Unfortunately, this also seems to be the case with relationships.
I think it is a constant search for excitement and also the idea of entitlement that this is what we deserve. We should have the cool job, we should have a relationship that doesn’t require work or sacrifice. We should have all of these things that just don’t exist in real life. And when people start to face reality – they walk away and figure maybe the next person will bring them what they want.
The thing that happens with this mindset, though, is that it provides less security. I can say that despite going through a party phase where I avoided commitment like the plague, I grew up in an environment which taught me that someday the commitment is what I wanted. I saw the love and fulfillment that comes along with being with the right woman and I wanted it for myself, too. I just wasn’t sure when.
What I always said I wanted though, is to have the financial success first. I wanted to have the house or condo. The car (At least I have that part…), the financial security. I wanted to be able to take care of myself before I even thought about being able to take care of a woman. I say this from a personal perspective, meaning even if she made more money than I did and in no way needed me to ‘take care’ of her, I still wanted to be able to. It’s in all of our nature as men to want to provide for the woman in our life.
The truth is though, we can’t predict the order of the events life brings us. We may meet the woman of our dreams before we have reached the level of financial success we wanted to be at. Maybe we wanted to travel more. Maybe wanted to sleep with more women. Then…and only then, will we be comfortable with the idea of settling down.
Except, sometimes she shows up in our life anyway. Then what? Does he look at her and say “Well, I could have married that woman if I had the rest of my life in place…”? I think many guys do, or would…
Men and women view self worth differently. Men derive much confidence and value from accomplishments. Possessions. Status. Progress in their career. He could be the most kindhearted man in the world who is your ideal husband, but if he doesn’t feel fulfilled in these areas of his life, he will still feel wanting.
For this reason, a man can become his own worst enemy because he thinks if he doesn’t fully value himself due to lack of accomplishments, you won’t value him either. This is obviously an issue since you view his value differently than he does and the pieces don’t align. So, he begins to talk himself out of something great, for really no good reason at all.
To the guys: As we all know, finding the right woman is a challenge. I understand it can be frustrating and it’s easy to get jaded. This is all the more reason to not stand in your own way. Don’t put any more speedbumps on the road to your own happiness. If you are fortunate enough to have the right woman come into your life, do not let her go.
Trust me, I know what it’s like to have a vision for your own life, but sometimes the universe throws us curveballs and we have to adapt and adjust. One thing is for certain though: With the right woman in your life, you will be better motivated, supported, and inspired to reach your goals. Things become real – those visions you had for your future suddenly become your reality.
You will find yourself faced with two choices: Let her pass you by and continue to chase the mirage you’re seeing off in the distance, or join paths together and realize that you will be able to help each other fly.
Sometimes, you’ve just got to jump first, and build your wings on the way down.
This article originally appeared on James M. Sama's blog, and is reprinted in partnership with The Good Men Project.
Now, before I start getting flack for this article from men, because I know I will – I have to say that I of course understand there are plenty of women out there who are also dishonest and just go out to have a good time and don’t want a relationship either. But that is a different article for a different time.
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| The Real Reason The Modern Man Avoids Commitment. |
If someone is going to cheat, they will find a way to cheat. If they are not going to cheat – no amount of beautiful Facebook friends or Twitter followers will make them do it. It may be a tool that enables someone, but only someone willing to use it.
There seems to be a lack of willingness to commit to anything in general these days. There are no more “lifers” when it comes to the workplace. I rarely, if ever, hear of anyone who is starting up a career at a company and plans to be there for the next 50 years. Instead, the modern men (and women) are jumping into fast-paced startups, making their own splash, and moving on to the next big thing as it comes along.
Unfortunately, this also seems to be the case with relationships.
I think it is a constant search for excitement and also the idea of entitlement that this is what we deserve. We should have the cool job, we should have a relationship that doesn’t require work or sacrifice. We should have all of these things that just don’t exist in real life. And when people start to face reality – they walk away and figure maybe the next person will bring them what they want.
The thing that happens with this mindset, though, is that it provides less security. I can say that despite going through a party phase where I avoided commitment like the plague, I grew up in an environment which taught me that someday the commitment is what I wanted. I saw the love and fulfillment that comes along with being with the right woman and I wanted it for myself, too. I just wasn’t sure when.
What I always said I wanted though, is to have the financial success first. I wanted to have the house or condo. The car (At least I have that part…), the financial security. I wanted to be able to take care of myself before I even thought about being able to take care of a woman. I say this from a personal perspective, meaning even if she made more money than I did and in no way needed me to ‘take care’ of her, I still wanted to be able to. It’s in all of our nature as men to want to provide for the woman in our life.
The truth is though, we can’t predict the order of the events life brings us. We may meet the woman of our dreams before we have reached the level of financial success we wanted to be at. Maybe we wanted to travel more. Maybe wanted to sleep with more women. Then…and only then, will we be comfortable with the idea of settling down.
Except, sometimes she shows up in our life anyway. Then what? Does he look at her and say “Well, I could have married that woman if I had the rest of my life in place…”? I think many guys do, or would…
Men and women view self worth differently. Men derive much confidence and value from accomplishments. Possessions. Status. Progress in their career. He could be the most kindhearted man in the world who is your ideal husband, but if he doesn’t feel fulfilled in these areas of his life, he will still feel wanting.
For this reason, a man can become his own worst enemy because he thinks if he doesn’t fully value himself due to lack of accomplishments, you won’t value him either. This is obviously an issue since you view his value differently than he does and the pieces don’t align. So, he begins to talk himself out of something great, for really no good reason at all.
To the guys: As we all know, finding the right woman is a challenge. I understand it can be frustrating and it’s easy to get jaded. This is all the more reason to not stand in your own way. Don’t put any more speedbumps on the road to your own happiness. If you are fortunate enough to have the right woman come into your life, do not let her go.
Trust me, I know what it’s like to have a vision for your own life, but sometimes the universe throws us curveballs and we have to adapt and adjust. One thing is for certain though: With the right woman in your life, you will be better motivated, supported, and inspired to reach your goals. Things become real – those visions you had for your future suddenly become your reality.
You will find yourself faced with two choices: Let her pass you by and continue to chase the mirage you’re seeing off in the distance, or join paths together and realize that you will be able to help each other fly.
Sometimes, you’ve just got to jump first, and build your wings on the way down.
This article originally appeared on James M. Sama's blog, and is reprinted in partnership with The Good Men Project.
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