There’s this dirty little rumor going around in the relationship world that men and women don’t really understand each other. Are you shocke...
There’s this dirty little rumor going around in the relationship world that men and women don’t really understand each other. Are you shocked? I didn’t think so. “Getting” one another has seemed to be the thorn in the side of otherwise great relationships probably since the beginning of time.
After having a conversation with the opposite gender, all too often we are left with our heads cocked to the side, blank stare on our faces, wondering what the *$ #!! just happened here, and wishing we could be thrown back in time to pre-lanugage days when communication seemed so much simpler. Ah, good times! Not so much.
The fact is that both men and women have extremely damaging misconceptions about each other that have been drilled into our psyches by negative sterotypes, bad former relationships and everything in between, all of which are not doing our communication and understanding skills any favors.
Though women seem to be the most vocal about the problems they have in being understood by their partners, men actually very much feel the same way as women do. Their grievances just have slightly different foundations. Though the root of women’s complaints about men tend to center around problems with creating emotional connections and intimacy due to lack of communication and understanding, the complaints of men are generally more focused on not understanding women’s emotional behaviors.
We’ve addressed some misconceptions that women have about men when it comes to relationships in several previous articles so today we’re going to concentrate on three misconceptions that men have about women, and insight into how to go from “problem” to “solution” with just a little bit of effort.
Another example is that your lovely partner may not be down with your innocent eye which seems to wander when you pass an attractive woman on the street, or at a party. You may think, “There’s no harm in looking, right?”, but it might be making her feel like she doesn’t compare if she is not entirely secure with herself. Your innocent glances at a woman, whom she thinks you may find very attractive, could make her question her own attractiveness in your eyes.
The above two examples you may have already considered but did you know that there is actually a biological link to jealousy as well? Psychology Today offers an evolutionary vs. cultural perspective on romantic jealousy, citing that on an evolutionary level, women express feelings of jealousy due to a response to a threat of emotional infidelity by their partners as they view them as their protectors. Though there is no real conclusive research as to which factors make both men and women jealous, there is definitely evidence that both genders don’t like to be emotionally or sexually cheated on. Women simply have slightly higher rates of jealousy in both categories.
So how do you communicate with a woman in order to help bring her peace of mind?
First of all, check yourself. Be honest and ask the hard questions of yourself: are you doing anything to make her feel insecure? Let’s start with the obvious – are you cheating? Are you ogling every woman who walks past you on the street? Are you dropping tidbits into conversations with your woman that describe how attractive you think other women are? Let’s face it, no woman really wants to deal with that kind of behavior, and neither would you if the shoe were on the other foot. It’s amazing how far a little recognition of your own actions can go in pacifying the issue.
Secondly, talk with her. Tell her how you feel about her. Once you’ve told her, show her, and be consistent in both your words and actions. There’s nothing that makes anyone in a relationship feel more secure than a partner who consistently talks the talk and walks the walk. Do your part in offering the relationship the security it deserves and then ask her to do her part as well.
Okay, some men may need to turn the exaggerating down a notch but whether or not a woman is actually being clingy in reality or if her behavior just makes a man perceive it as so, the fact is that there may be some difference in how close (physically and emotionally) men and women generally want to get to each other and how quickly.
In order to work this out, a man has to first understand the basis of why she wants to occupy as much of his time and space as she does. Clingyness in women is often an extension of both point 1 above (Jealousy) and point 3 below (Insecurity). Lovepanky reports that when women are clingy, it’s because they don’t feel appreciated or loved in a relationship. This lack of love turns into insecurity, which can eventually turn into a plea for attention and love. You need to ask yourself if this is really a reason to write her off. It’s important to note that what one person considers clingy may actually be the exact considered acts of love and intimacy to another.
The long and short of it is that she wants to spend time with you. Even if your relationship is in a very initial stage, she may be craving a further emotional connection with you. She likes you and wants to be with you as much as she can. That’s not so bad is it? While you may find that being overwhelmed with (too?) much adoration (perhaps too soon) may be flattering, it is also understandable that you need your space.
If you are into a woman but what’s bothering you about her is that she’s being too clingy, it’s worth a sit down with her in order to express your feelings. Wanting and needing time and space to yourself is not at all a bad thing, and this is something that is her responsibility to understand. If you’re interested in pursuing a relationship of any kind with her, it is also your responsibility to understand where she is coming from as well. Talk it out and find a happy medium. Simply ignoring her instead of dealing with the situation is not only counter-productive but it’s also a jerk move, to put it plainly. When you ignore or avoid her, it makes her feel that she is not worth your time. If she is worth your time, make sure she knows it and understands that you need you time (and so does she!). Otherwise, if you have no intention of moving forward with her, you need to tell her that, too. Many times, a lack of clear communication of one’s intentions is far more frustrating and damaging than a simple conversation in terms of both of you understanding each others’ needs and wants.
While women know that self-confidence is probably the most important factor in romantic attractiveness, the reality is that most women could write an entire book on how their self-confidence is broken down every single day, and has been for most of their lives. It is extrordinarily difficult for most men to understand why women have vast insecurities about themselves; why so many of us go through the day feeling as though we are not nearly attractive enough for you even when you find us to be absolutely gorgeous; why we don’t feel as though we’re good enough to be loved by you; why we feel insecure in our relationships with you and feel that you could stray at any time. Yes, that can definitely be frustrating for anyone.
Most men do not understand because they have not had to deal with the barrage of negative social dialogue that women have internalized surrounding what constitutes a woman of value. Our entire lives we have been conditioned to believe that our relationship capital lies in how close we come to the dominant physical ideal of beauty which is entirely unattainable. We are conditioned to believe that men are more concerned with our sexual value rather than anything else we have to offer, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.
We are also conditioned to believe that men are unfaithful to us by nature. For far too many women, fighting back against those negative messages is truly a battle and our self-confidence can and does take a major hit. One of the biggest frustrations for men is to communicate his love and adoration to his partner and realize that the message is not getting through.
The solution here is not an easy one. If you ask any woman with insecurities, she will tell you that she truly wants to believe it when her partner expresses his attraction and love for her but she may not be able to fully believe that what he is saying is the truth. Anyone with a loved one who faces insecurity issues is up against a formidable opponent but not an unbeatable one.
The first step to getting through is for men to really try to put themselves in a position to understand what their partner may be going through. Try to wrap your brain around what it’s like to be the recipient of so many negative social messages and what it must be like to have to deal with those effects. Don’t just tell her to “get over it” because it’s really not that simple. She may feel a heck of a lot better about herself one day but perhaps not today. Try to understand this and to be patient. Self-esteem is not just granted, it is something that we work on and fight for. Be there with her to support her fight. She’s the one who has to do the work though, you can’t do it for her.
Another way to help her on her path to better self-esteem is to not play on her insecurities. This should really be a no-brainer but all too often we speak without thinking about how what we say may affect the other person. Be considerate, be kind, and use your common sense. Most of all just be there for her. Sometimes, you really don’t need to say anything at all. Just be there, put your arms around her, and let her know that you’re not going anywhere.
Lastly, one of the most important factors in improving your relationship is arming not only yourself but also your partner with education and information. If you liked these insights, there are more available in Bob Grant’s wonderful e-book called, “The Woman Men Adore…and Never Want to Leave.” Bob Grant, L.P.C., has taken his 17 years of private practice as a Licensed Professional Counselor and Coach and condensed only the best information into a powerful handbook on what men find irresistible in a woman. We’ve read it and we think it’s fantastic! You can have this information simply by clicking here.
Authors: Gia Liossis, B.A., B.A., M.A., and Sarah Wood
Source: I Love My LSI
After having a conversation with the opposite gender, all too often we are left with our heads cocked to the side, blank stare on our faces, wondering what the *$ #!! just happened here, and wishing we could be thrown back in time to pre-lanugage days when communication seemed so much simpler. Ah, good times! Not so much.
 |
| The 3 Misconceptions That Men Have About Women |
Though women seem to be the most vocal about the problems they have in being understood by their partners, men actually very much feel the same way as women do. Their grievances just have slightly different foundations. Though the root of women’s complaints about men tend to center around problems with creating emotional connections and intimacy due to lack of communication and understanding, the complaints of men are generally more focused on not understanding women’s emotional behaviors.
We’ve addressed some misconceptions that women have about men when it comes to relationships in several previous articles so today we’re going to concentrate on three misconceptions that men have about women, and insight into how to go from “problem” to “solution” with just a little bit of effort.
Issue 1: Women have jealously issues.
Let’s just start off by saying that not all women have a jealous streak, just like not all men do. Some women may be a little more jealous than others, though it seems that sometimes they have a reason to be, which may or may not seem logical to their partners. For example, a jealous mate may be battling feelings of insecurity in the relationship. They may have dealt with philandering partners in the past and are left with trust issues. You, of course, did not ask for this baggage to be plunked at your doorstep but the reality is that many women are dealing with a backlog of trust issues. Even though you may be the perfect mate, the issues can still be there.Another example is that your lovely partner may not be down with your innocent eye which seems to wander when you pass an attractive woman on the street, or at a party. You may think, “There’s no harm in looking, right?”, but it might be making her feel like she doesn’t compare if she is not entirely secure with herself. Your innocent glances at a woman, whom she thinks you may find very attractive, could make her question her own attractiveness in your eyes.
The above two examples you may have already considered but did you know that there is actually a biological link to jealousy as well? Psychology Today offers an evolutionary vs. cultural perspective on romantic jealousy, citing that on an evolutionary level, women express feelings of jealousy due to a response to a threat of emotional infidelity by their partners as they view them as their protectors. Though there is no real conclusive research as to which factors make both men and women jealous, there is definitely evidence that both genders don’t like to be emotionally or sexually cheated on. Women simply have slightly higher rates of jealousy in both categories.
So how do you communicate with a woman in order to help bring her peace of mind?
First of all, check yourself. Be honest and ask the hard questions of yourself: are you doing anything to make her feel insecure? Let’s start with the obvious – are you cheating? Are you ogling every woman who walks past you on the street? Are you dropping tidbits into conversations with your woman that describe how attractive you think other women are? Let’s face it, no woman really wants to deal with that kind of behavior, and neither would you if the shoe were on the other foot. It’s amazing how far a little recognition of your own actions can go in pacifying the issue.
Secondly, talk with her. Tell her how you feel about her. Once you’ve told her, show her, and be consistent in both your words and actions. There’s nothing that makes anyone in a relationship feel more secure than a partner who consistently talks the talk and walks the walk. Do your part in offering the relationship the security it deserves and then ask her to do her part as well.
Issue 2: Women are too clingy.
We’ve all heard men complain about clingy women over and over again. They describe being on just one date or had a one night stand, and then they claim that the woman won’t leave them alone, in some cases making her out to be a stalker. We also often hear men say that they are being suffocated in a relationship by a woman who will not give them space.Okay, some men may need to turn the exaggerating down a notch but whether or not a woman is actually being clingy in reality or if her behavior just makes a man perceive it as so, the fact is that there may be some difference in how close (physically and emotionally) men and women generally want to get to each other and how quickly.
In order to work this out, a man has to first understand the basis of why she wants to occupy as much of his time and space as she does. Clingyness in women is often an extension of both point 1 above (Jealousy) and point 3 below (Insecurity). Lovepanky reports that when women are clingy, it’s because they don’t feel appreciated or loved in a relationship. This lack of love turns into insecurity, which can eventually turn into a plea for attention and love. You need to ask yourself if this is really a reason to write her off. It’s important to note that what one person considers clingy may actually be the exact considered acts of love and intimacy to another.
The long and short of it is that she wants to spend time with you. Even if your relationship is in a very initial stage, she may be craving a further emotional connection with you. She likes you and wants to be with you as much as she can. That’s not so bad is it? While you may find that being overwhelmed with (too?) much adoration (perhaps too soon) may be flattering, it is also understandable that you need your space.
If you are into a woman but what’s bothering you about her is that she’s being too clingy, it’s worth a sit down with her in order to express your feelings. Wanting and needing time and space to yourself is not at all a bad thing, and this is something that is her responsibility to understand. If you’re interested in pursuing a relationship of any kind with her, it is also your responsibility to understand where she is coming from as well. Talk it out and find a happy medium. Simply ignoring her instead of dealing with the situation is not only counter-productive but it’s also a jerk move, to put it plainly. When you ignore or avoid her, it makes her feel that she is not worth your time. If she is worth your time, make sure she knows it and understands that you need you time (and so does she!). Otherwise, if you have no intention of moving forward with her, you need to tell her that, too. Many times, a lack of clear communication of one’s intentions is far more frustrating and damaging than a simple conversation in terms of both of you understanding each others’ needs and wants.
Issue 3: Women are insecure.
I just have to preface the commentary below by making it clear that there are many, many women who are very secure in themselves and know exactly who they are. However, there are also a significant amount of women who battle deep insecurities on an everyday basis.While women know that self-confidence is probably the most important factor in romantic attractiveness, the reality is that most women could write an entire book on how their self-confidence is broken down every single day, and has been for most of their lives. It is extrordinarily difficult for most men to understand why women have vast insecurities about themselves; why so many of us go through the day feeling as though we are not nearly attractive enough for you even when you find us to be absolutely gorgeous; why we don’t feel as though we’re good enough to be loved by you; why we feel insecure in our relationships with you and feel that you could stray at any time. Yes, that can definitely be frustrating for anyone.
Most men do not understand because they have not had to deal with the barrage of negative social dialogue that women have internalized surrounding what constitutes a woman of value. Our entire lives we have been conditioned to believe that our relationship capital lies in how close we come to the dominant physical ideal of beauty which is entirely unattainable. We are conditioned to believe that men are more concerned with our sexual value rather than anything else we have to offer, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.
We are also conditioned to believe that men are unfaithful to us by nature. For far too many women, fighting back against those negative messages is truly a battle and our self-confidence can and does take a major hit. One of the biggest frustrations for men is to communicate his love and adoration to his partner and realize that the message is not getting through.
The solution here is not an easy one. If you ask any woman with insecurities, she will tell you that she truly wants to believe it when her partner expresses his attraction and love for her but she may not be able to fully believe that what he is saying is the truth. Anyone with a loved one who faces insecurity issues is up against a formidable opponent but not an unbeatable one.
The first step to getting through is for men to really try to put themselves in a position to understand what their partner may be going through. Try to wrap your brain around what it’s like to be the recipient of so many negative social messages and what it must be like to have to deal with those effects. Don’t just tell her to “get over it” because it’s really not that simple. She may feel a heck of a lot better about herself one day but perhaps not today. Try to understand this and to be patient. Self-esteem is not just granted, it is something that we work on and fight for. Be there with her to support her fight. She’s the one who has to do the work though, you can’t do it for her.
Another way to help her on her path to better self-esteem is to not play on her insecurities. This should really be a no-brainer but all too often we speak without thinking about how what we say may affect the other person. Be considerate, be kind, and use your common sense. Most of all just be there for her. Sometimes, you really don’t need to say anything at all. Just be there, put your arms around her, and let her know that you’re not going anywhere.
Lastly, one of the most important factors in improving your relationship is arming not only yourself but also your partner with education and information. If you liked these insights, there are more available in Bob Grant’s wonderful e-book called, “The Woman Men Adore…and Never Want to Leave.” Bob Grant, L.P.C., has taken his 17 years of private practice as a Licensed Professional Counselor and Coach and condensed only the best information into a powerful handbook on what men find irresistible in a woman. We’ve read it and we think it’s fantastic! You can have this information simply by clicking here.
Authors: Gia Liossis, B.A., B.A., M.A., and Sarah Wood
Source: I Love My LSI
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