Men aren't supposed to like romance, right? Well, that's the theory, anyway. In practice, men may not always like to call it romance...
Men aren't supposed to like romance, right? Well, that's the theory, anyway. In practice, men may not always like to call it romance (and hence identify ourselves as sissies), but we feel the same yearning to connect that you do, to give and receive physical expressions of love and to continue the rituals of courtship long after our commitment's been cemented. In short, we want to romance you...and we secretly want you to romance us. But as you're probably well aware, it's within the finer points of love that gender differences rear their ugly heads. "When men are asked to define romance, they typically use these words: mystery, intrigue, sensuality, lingerie, passion and neverending sex," says Doug Fields, author of Creative Romance. A half dozen words -- "I'm looking forward to making love" -- will get his heart racing. The flowery stuff, the roses and candlelight, just isn't a guy thing. So skip the sweet little trappings and go for what's guaranteed to work.
If the idea of donning a Victoria's Secret number for your husband seems somehow tawdry, don't sweat it: Remember, you're doing this for him, not for you. And, as psychologist Ronald Goldstein, Ph.D., a marriage counselor in Newtown, Pennsylvania, explains: "Women should keep in mind that men are visually oriented." Trust me, men find it very romantic when you step wholeheartedly into our debauched little fantasy worlds. If we're hard-wired to be turned on by visual cues, why not indulge us -- and use it to your advantage?
Again, this doesn't have to lead to anything but if it does, so much the better. "Learn to love and appreciate all of your man's body," says De Angelis. "This will give you time to become more aroused and make him feel like you love every part of him." In other words, let your fingers do the talking.
Now, maybe you have no problem with our stepping out occasionally for some beers with the pals. But -- and this is the hard part -- how can we possibly ask? At some earlier point in our relationship, remember, you accused us of choosing our friends over you, and now we're gun-shy about confessing a need to shoot pool with Bill or see a ball game with Fred.
Make it easy for us, just once in awhile, and we'll love you for it. Suggest we call up Fred for the ball game next Saturday and watch our eyes light up. As an over-the-top bonus, tell us we don't have to call at midnight to check in. It demonstrates trust, and it shows you're truly trying to make your husband happy, not just making an empty romantic gesture. Your gift won't be soon forgotten. After all, when your wife demonstrates new-girlfriend coolness, what could be more romantic than that?
"I think a man likes to hear that his wife loves him and misses him," says Goldstein. "Corny as it sounds, if the woman puts a note in his briefcase or calls him up at work just to say how much she's looking forward to making love that night, it can really make a guy's day." Be creative: Send him a suggestive email from your office, leave a sexy message on his voice mail or tuck a holiday picture of you in a thong bikini into his shirt pocket. They'll all send the desired message: "Think about me...I'm thinking about you."
A quick insight into men: We all want to be heroes. Remembering to compliment your spouse on being a great husband and father isn't always easy in the middle of a busy day, but it's a quick shortcut to making him feel wanted, needed and loved, which is of course the ultimate point of any romantic gesture. And this positive reinforcement of your husband's good behavior will yield big dividends later, as he subconsciously tries to live up to your glowing appraisal.
Here's another secret: A solid pampering after a rough day at work is tough to beat in the area of tenderness. Yes, your days are nuts, too, but the key to romantic gestures is to put the other person's needs 100 percent before your own. So if you know his day has been hell, why not give your husband a massage, set up a hot bath, a cold beer and that novel he's been trying to read? What makes such royal treatment so romantic to a man is the way it reassures him you appreciate his hard work, and that you're proud of him. Married men often feel guilty about the energy they devote to work. The post-hell-day back rub reassures us that everything's okay.
Since one key detail is to make sure your husband doesn't make alternate plans, first lower his expectations by making a dreary-sounding appointment (your parents are in town?) he won't dare to miss. He's mentally prepared for a dull, dutiful evening then you spring your romantic surprise. He'll be so relieved he can't help but have a good time.
Besides being great fun, this type of creative spontaneity is romantic because we find it disarmingly sweet when you go to a lot of trouble for us. My wife has surprised me a few times on my birthday with a big party to which she's invited all my friends, and it never fails to make me feel like a king.
When married men say they miss the kind of sex they had in their single days -- and we do say it to one another, even if we don't dare say it to you -- that is what we're talking about. While single sex was full of wild abandon and the unknown, married sex gradually becomes more about comfort than passion, and once you know all of each other's secrets, ruts become unavoidable unless you make a particular, focused effort to keep out of them. The upshot: Break the routine. If you're in the habit of making love with the lights out, try keeping them on or illuminating the room with candles. Rent a blue movie or get some massage oil and surprise him on the couch. "Have a conversation with your husband and try to get at what some of his sexual fantasies are," suggests Goldstein. Don't do anything that makes you uncomfortable, or it'll backfire horribly. But making sex a celebratory event will show him in no uncertain terms that you think he's special.
My wife and I have very different tastes in movies, and we used to make the mistake of always trying to rent movies we both wanted to see. Sounds logical, but all we ever rented were middle-of-the-road videos that didn't offend either of us. I never got to see the special-effects thrillers I really wanted, and she never got to see the teary romances she's interested in (for whatever bizarre reason). Now we alternate movie picks, allowing both of us to see the movies we really want to see, at only the small cost of sitting through each other's favorites.
What's my point? It can be exhausting trying to be clones of each other. One of men's fears going into marriage is that we'll be molded into Bland Married Guy. When you reward his individuality by paying attention to his quirky preferences, even when they clash with your own, you ease this fear and reassure him you're not trying to change him. Presto: instant intimacy.
"Once I spent two hours digging through scraps of paper trying to find a number I'd misplaced," recalls Jim, 31. "I was pissed and frustrated -- I never can get organized. Two weeks later, my wife presented me with a new address book, into which she'd copied all the numbers from my pile of business cards and scrap papers. She completely blew me away."
Getting him out of a jam with family and friends -- or simply having a little foresight in the area of personal relations -- can have the same effect. "My kid sister was off in college and feeling lonely, and my wife, unbeknownst to me, started sending care packages to her," recalls Bobby, 33. "I only found out about it when Tracy called and started thanking me profusely, saying she couldn't believe how thoughtful 'we' were. I was really impressed; I'd never have thought of it myself, but it was exactly the right thing to do." Tread carefully, though: Somewhere there's a line between helping and meddling.
The modern version of cooking as romance, it seems to me, is to use an elaborate meal as a way to slow things down. Start with wine, end with coffee and divide even the most mundane meal courses -- first the macaroni, then the cheese -- thereby delaying your husband's gratification and whetting his appetite. Slowing down the meal not only makes the food taste better and gives you more time to talk, but it returns a sense of ceremony to the meal, turning it into a kind of date. Your husband can't help but sit, tuck in and take notice.
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12 Things Men Really Find Romantic |
1. Dress Up for Him
A long, long time ago, your husband bought you some lingerie. Remember? You wore it once or twice, then stuffed it deep in the back of a drawer. Well, the time has come to dig it out. "Consider dressing for his tastes and not just yours once in a while," says Barbara De Angelis, Ph.D., author of Secrets About Men Every Woman Should Know. "Take him shopping and have him choose outfits he would like to see you in or some lingerie he finds sexy."If the idea of donning a Victoria's Secret number for your husband seems somehow tawdry, don't sweat it: Remember, you're doing this for him, not for you. And, as psychologist Ronald Goldstein, Ph.D., a marriage counselor in Newtown, Pennsylvania, explains: "Women should keep in mind that men are visually oriented." Trust me, men find it very romantic when you step wholeheartedly into our debauched little fantasy worlds. If we're hard-wired to be turned on by visual cues, why not indulge us -- and use it to your advantage?
2. Touch Him All Over, All the Time
I'm not talking about sex, and I'm not talking about massage -- just plain old run-of-the-mill touching. Whether you're playing footsie under the table or placing a hand on our shoulders while scooting behind our chairs, men find the touch of the woman they love unbelievably reassuring. In our treasured nonverbal language, it translates as: "I accept you...I love you...We're a team."Again, this doesn't have to lead to anything but if it does, so much the better. "Learn to love and appreciate all of your man's body," says De Angelis. "This will give you time to become more aroused and make him feel like you love every part of him." In other words, let your fingers do the talking.
3. Give Him a Night Out with the Boys -- No Strings Attached
It may seem odd to you that a romantic gesture might not involve you at all. But dogs run with dogs, wolves run with wolves, and every so often, guys just have to break away and run with the guys (drooling and howling optional). All the married men I know miss those carefree nights out with the guys -- a fact many of the married women I know find unnecessarily threatening. When I look back on my single days, it's the male companionship I miss, not the cornucopia of gorgeous single gals (okay, okay -- the handful of pretty good-looking single gals). Honestly.Now, maybe you have no problem with our stepping out occasionally for some beers with the pals. But -- and this is the hard part -- how can we possibly ask? At some earlier point in our relationship, remember, you accused us of choosing our friends over you, and now we're gun-shy about confessing a need to shoot pool with Bill or see a ball game with Fred.
Make it easy for us, just once in awhile, and we'll love you for it. Suggest we call up Fred for the ball game next Saturday and watch our eyes light up. As an over-the-top bonus, tell us we don't have to call at midnight to check in. It demonstrates trust, and it shows you're truly trying to make your husband happy, not just making an empty romantic gesture. Your gift won't be soon forgotten. After all, when your wife demonstrates new-girlfriend coolness, what could be more romantic than that?
4. Show Up at His Office
I don't mean that literally -- showing up unannounced just as he's getting his head together for the Big Meeting can be catastrophically disruptive. I mean it figuratively: Make your presence known throughout the day. I know, when we were just dating we tried to discourage you from calling us at work. Many single guys consider work a safe haven from the minefield of dating and don't want that sacred space violated. In marriage, though, it's different: News from the home front serves as a nice reminder of what you're working for."I think a man likes to hear that his wife loves him and misses him," says Goldstein. "Corny as it sounds, if the woman puts a note in his briefcase or calls him up at work just to say how much she's looking forward to making love that night, it can really make a guy's day." Be creative: Send him a suggestive email from your office, leave a sexy message on his voice mail or tuck a holiday picture of you in a thong bikini into his shirt pocket. They'll all send the desired message: "Think about me...I'm thinking about you."
5. Tell Him What a Big, Strong Guy He Is
We men are famously incompetent at expressing ourselves verbally...but that doesn't mean we don't appreciate hearing a little praise now and then. In particular, we draw a lot of our identity from our maleness. Nurturing our big-ape fantasies -- me Tarzan, you Jane -- lets us know you value us as males, which is somehow important to the continued production of testosterone. So tell your husband he makes you feel safe, thank him for working so hard (even if you're working just as hard), tell him you pity friends who don't have husbands like him.A quick insight into men: We all want to be heroes. Remembering to compliment your spouse on being a great husband and father isn't always easy in the middle of a busy day, but it's a quick shortcut to making him feel wanted, needed and loved, which is of course the ultimate point of any romantic gesture. And this positive reinforcement of your husband's good behavior will yield big dividends later, as he subconsciously tries to live up to your glowing appraisal.
Here's another secret: A solid pampering after a rough day at work is tough to beat in the area of tenderness. Yes, your days are nuts, too, but the key to romantic gestures is to put the other person's needs 100 percent before your own. So if you know his day has been hell, why not give your husband a massage, set up a hot bath, a cold beer and that novel he's been trying to read? What makes such royal treatment so romantic to a man is the way it reassures him you appreciate his hard work, and that you're proud of him. Married men often feel guilty about the energy they devote to work. The post-hell-day back rub reassures us that everything's okay.
6. Engineer a Break-the-Routine Date
Your weekly "date night" doesn't count. I'm talking about whisking him off for a weekend getaway or getting a babysitter and surprising him after work with movie tickets. To make sure the evening works, try to determine what your relationship needs at the moment. Are you both overworked and feeling disconnected? Try a relaxing night at a local hotel. Getting bored with the daily grind? Take off for an exciting weekend someplace exotic but affordable. Once you determine the proper mood, make all the plans and pull the surprise.Since one key detail is to make sure your husband doesn't make alternate plans, first lower his expectations by making a dreary-sounding appointment (your parents are in town?) he won't dare to miss. He's mentally prepared for a dull, dutiful evening then you spring your romantic surprise. He'll be so relieved he can't help but have a good time.
Besides being great fun, this type of creative spontaneity is romantic because we find it disarmingly sweet when you go to a lot of trouble for us. My wife has surprised me a few times on my birthday with a big party to which she's invited all my friends, and it never fails to make me feel like a king.
7. Make Sex with Him an Event
I remember taking a shower one evening after coming home exhausted and emerging from the bathroom to find that my wife had made a bed on the living room floor out of couch cushions, pillows and blankets. It gave the least sexy room in the house a very exciting, exotic feel -- part hotel room, part pillow fort. I won't share the details of what happened next.When married men say they miss the kind of sex they had in their single days -- and we do say it to one another, even if we don't dare say it to you -- that is what we're talking about. While single sex was full of wild abandon and the unknown, married sex gradually becomes more about comfort than passion, and once you know all of each other's secrets, ruts become unavoidable unless you make a particular, focused effort to keep out of them. The upshot: Break the routine. If you're in the habit of making love with the lights out, try keeping them on or illuminating the room with candles. Rent a blue movie or get some massage oil and surprise him on the couch. "Have a conversation with your husband and try to get at what some of his sexual fantasies are," suggests Goldstein. Don't do anything that makes you uncomfortable, or it'll backfire horribly. But making sex a celebratory event will show him in no uncertain terms that you think he's special.
8. Score Him a Pair of Tickets to the Big Game
Which would you rather receive from your husband: a weekend at a spa or a new set of cookware? The spa is by far the more romantic gift, if only because he doesn't stand to gain anything from it. Gifts that don't benefit the giver are somehow purer because they demonstrate you care only about making your spouse happy. So when you're thinking about gifts, try not to think about what you'd like to get him, but what he'd like to receive.My wife and I have very different tastes in movies, and we used to make the mistake of always trying to rent movies we both wanted to see. Sounds logical, but all we ever rented were middle-of-the-road videos that didn't offend either of us. I never got to see the special-effects thrillers I really wanted, and she never got to see the teary romances she's interested in (for whatever bizarre reason). Now we alternate movie picks, allowing both of us to see the movies we really want to see, at only the small cost of sitting through each other's favorites.
What's my point? It can be exhausting trying to be clones of each other. One of men's fears going into marriage is that we'll be molded into Bland Married Guy. When you reward his individuality by paying attention to his quirky preferences, even when they clash with your own, you ease this fear and reassure him you're not trying to change him. Presto: instant intimacy.
9. Show Interest in His Outside Life
We live in a fast-paced world, and Lord knows it's easy enough to get wrapped up in our own routines. But finding ways to let a man know you care about all aspects of his life, not just the parts he shares with you, is a great way to show you love the whole man. Shoot him a few well-directed questions about work to help him unwind, surprise him with a book relating to a hobby, track down a Website that deals with some problem he's having -- all are touching gestures I guarantee will be well-received."Once I spent two hours digging through scraps of paper trying to find a number I'd misplaced," recalls Jim, 31. "I was pissed and frustrated -- I never can get organized. Two weeks later, my wife presented me with a new address book, into which she'd copied all the numbers from my pile of business cards and scrap papers. She completely blew me away."
Getting him out of a jam with family and friends -- or simply having a little foresight in the area of personal relations -- can have the same effect. "My kid sister was off in college and feeling lonely, and my wife, unbeknownst to me, started sending care packages to her," recalls Bobby, 33. "I only found out about it when Tracy called and started thanking me profusely, saying she couldn't believe how thoughtful 'we' were. I was really impressed; I'd never have thought of it myself, but it was exactly the right thing to do." Tread carefully, though: Somewhere there's a line between helping and meddling.
10. Tell Him a Secret
Men want to be soul mates, too. Telling him a secret -- symbolically letting him deeper inside you -- demonstrates total trust in him and faith in your relationship. Because you're making yourself vulnerable, it's an incredible bonding experience. What works just as well: Encourage him to tell you a secret or two. And don't laugh.11. Slow Down Dinner
Sure, the idea that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach is a cliché. But it reached such status for a reason: It works. (It worked so well with me that I married a professional cook.) And it's tough to miss the basic, underlying romantic symbolism of cooking for your man: You satisfy his hunger, his craving.The modern version of cooking as romance, it seems to me, is to use an elaborate meal as a way to slow things down. Start with wine, end with coffee and divide even the most mundane meal courses -- first the macaroni, then the cheese -- thereby delaying your husband's gratification and whetting his appetite. Slowing down the meal not only makes the food taste better and gives you more time to talk, but it returns a sense of ceremony to the meal, turning it into a kind of date. Your husband can't help but sit, tuck in and take notice.
12. Do a Sexy Little Bump-and-Grind Striptease
Well, you can't blame a guy for asking.
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