Hopelessly Devoted to A Cheater Good day, Docta. Two years ago, my best friend and I started dating. It was like any other good relationshi...
Hopelessly Devoted to A Cheater
Good day, Docta. Two years ago, my best friend and I started dating. It was like any other good relationship. We had fights, but made up almost immediately. Then, she starts getting real close to a lesbian. I'm the jealous type of guy and I got even more jealous when my girlfriend told me that her lesbian friend liked her. I immediately told her to stay away from her friend but she got all defensive. About a month later, she texted me that she needed to break up with me. I asked her why and she said that her lesbian friend kissed her and she felt a spark. She broke up with me but I was so broken that I begged for her to stay with me. She did, and things were a lot better from that moment on. Here's my problem. She broke up with me about five days ago saying that she had been seeing this other guy (while still being on with me) and it was something serious. It really crushed me. I know that she cheated because we weren't communicating at all, but that's not my fault. It's because she's always 'busy'. So, this guy I found out, was my brother's friend and a good acquaintance of mine. Here's the thing. I want her back, but it's hard to trust her again. Also, I'm just crushed and broken and hurt and so, I talked to her about it. And she said, no. I'm not getting back with you. I know that leaving you was wrong and I'm sorry but I just don't love you anymore. I just hate that she's doing so well, and I'm sitting here, sulking about all our broken vows. Help me move on please. Or maybe get her back. Thank you so much and more power to you.
Shattered Guy
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| Hopelessly Devoted to A Cheater |
Answer:
I am heartbroken along with you.
I know you said that you're sulking now, which means that you're in touch with feelings of sadness and hurt.
But guess what you're not feeling?
ANGER!
I am alarmed that you would even consider trying to get her back.
Why would you want her back?
She has betrayed you in an unforgivable way. And you deserve more. Way more.
Instead of focusing on ways to get her back, I encourage you to shift gears and focus on why you would even want her back.
Let me tell a little story. A couple of years after my husband died, I did a brief Internet dating stint. During that time, I met a guy who lived on the West coast. After about 6 weeks of talking, he came out East for a week to get to know me better. During the first visit, he told me that whenever he and his first wife would fight, he would withdraw and she would chase him until he forgave her.
When I heard this, a red flag went up. I just knew that he was going to engineer an argument with me and test to see if I cared enough to chase him too.
Sure enough, after he returned home following his second visit, we made a date to get on the phone and watch a movie together--he on his computer, me on mine.
When the date night came, he disappeared. He didn't call, text or email me to say the date was off.
I phoned him once and he didn't answer. Nor did he answer an email that I sent him.
At this point, I knew that the test had begun. He wanted me to chase him. Being Dr. Love, I knew that if I started chasing him I would set up a precedent that would become the pattern of this relationship. And I wasn't willing to establish a relationship in which I was trapped in the game of chasing after someone to build up his ego.
So, as hard as it was to do, I backed up and didn't pursue.
And, guess what? I never heard from him again!
A friend of mine said, "I know you'll back down and chase him after all."
I told her that I wouldn't. And I didn't.
The point of my story is this. Early on in any relationship (in the first 10 minutes of meeting actually!) we are given clues as to what the other person's issues are and the kinds of struggles we will have with that person.
Here's what's fascinating, and I don't think I've ever discussed this before. It's said that our unconscious mind knows within the first 10 minutes of meeting everything we need to know about the other person. What's even more amazing is the fact that when we feel bells and whistles go off inside us, when we feel that crazy bolt of attraction for another person it's because our unconscious mind knows that this person is the perfect person to help us replay our Old Scars. The excitement we feel is actually the spark of hope that comes when we recognize another person who makes us feel emotionally at home. In other words, we are unconsciously recognizing someone who we know is like the mother or father who let us down. In that recognition, we feel excited at the hope of replaying the Old Scar we suffered way back when. And, in the replaying we hope to finally achieve a healing.
To return to you, I'm betting that this girl reminds you of a parent who emotionally or physically abandoned you by leaving home or, perhaps, by favoring another sibling over you. I'm banking on the favoring a sibling theory since your relationship with this girl involved triangles in which she always gave her attention to somebody else.
To come back to the question of should you try to get her back. The only reason you would want this girl back is because you are still hoping to obtain a healing of the Old Scar. In other words, you are hoping that your girlfriend will magically stop cheating and love you. If you can get her to stop, it will feel like you healed your Old Scar with mom or dad.
Here's the thing. If you've been following me for a while, you know that in our attempt to heal our Old Scars we all get locked into a repetition. No matter how many times the other person lets us down and hurts us, we can't seem to let go. And we keep going back again and again, repeatedly trying to fix what's wrong. And we can't seem to let go. Why? Because giving up on the other person feels like giving up all hope of healing the Old Scar.
Here's the thing you need to know. You can't fix another person. All our repetitive attempts to try again are a waste if the other person isn't equally invested in changing him or herself. And we both know this isn't going to happen with her!
Look at her behavior. She's been unfaithful all along. And she shows no remorse.
Right now, you need to put all your energy into identifying and healing your Old Scar. Once you know what the exact scar is, then it's your job to give yourself the emotional goodies. Be faithful and true to yourself; don't allow anyone to repeat the pain of your past; and surround yourself with warm and loving people who can be counted on.
As you heal, you will find your anger toward her and you will not want anything more to do with her or anyone like her. Stay single until the healing is done. Otherwise, you risk attracting another cheater.
Oh, I'm going to be starting private group encounters. This will be a great place for you to experience what it's like to connect with people who are loving and supportive.
Keep me posted on how you do!
I am heartbroken along with you.
I know you said that you're sulking now, which means that you're in touch with feelings of sadness and hurt.
But guess what you're not feeling?
ANGER!
I am alarmed that you would even consider trying to get her back.
Why would you want her back?
She has betrayed you in an unforgivable way. And you deserve more. Way more.
Instead of focusing on ways to get her back, I encourage you to shift gears and focus on why you would even want her back.
Let me tell a little story. A couple of years after my husband died, I did a brief Internet dating stint. During that time, I met a guy who lived on the West coast. After about 6 weeks of talking, he came out East for a week to get to know me better. During the first visit, he told me that whenever he and his first wife would fight, he would withdraw and she would chase him until he forgave her.
When I heard this, a red flag went up. I just knew that he was going to engineer an argument with me and test to see if I cared enough to chase him too.
Sure enough, after he returned home following his second visit, we made a date to get on the phone and watch a movie together--he on his computer, me on mine.
When the date night came, he disappeared. He didn't call, text or email me to say the date was off.
I phoned him once and he didn't answer. Nor did he answer an email that I sent him.
At this point, I knew that the test had begun. He wanted me to chase him. Being Dr. Love, I knew that if I started chasing him I would set up a precedent that would become the pattern of this relationship. And I wasn't willing to establish a relationship in which I was trapped in the game of chasing after someone to build up his ego.
So, as hard as it was to do, I backed up and didn't pursue.
And, guess what? I never heard from him again!
A friend of mine said, "I know you'll back down and chase him after all."
I told her that I wouldn't. And I didn't.
The point of my story is this. Early on in any relationship (in the first 10 minutes of meeting actually!) we are given clues as to what the other person's issues are and the kinds of struggles we will have with that person.
Here's what's fascinating, and I don't think I've ever discussed this before. It's said that our unconscious mind knows within the first 10 minutes of meeting everything we need to know about the other person. What's even more amazing is the fact that when we feel bells and whistles go off inside us, when we feel that crazy bolt of attraction for another person it's because our unconscious mind knows that this person is the perfect person to help us replay our Old Scars. The excitement we feel is actually the spark of hope that comes when we recognize another person who makes us feel emotionally at home. In other words, we are unconsciously recognizing someone who we know is like the mother or father who let us down. In that recognition, we feel excited at the hope of replaying the Old Scar we suffered way back when. And, in the replaying we hope to finally achieve a healing.
To return to you, I'm betting that this girl reminds you of a parent who emotionally or physically abandoned you by leaving home or, perhaps, by favoring another sibling over you. I'm banking on the favoring a sibling theory since your relationship with this girl involved triangles in which she always gave her attention to somebody else.
To come back to the question of should you try to get her back. The only reason you would want this girl back is because you are still hoping to obtain a healing of the Old Scar. In other words, you are hoping that your girlfriend will magically stop cheating and love you. If you can get her to stop, it will feel like you healed your Old Scar with mom or dad.
Here's the thing. If you've been following me for a while, you know that in our attempt to heal our Old Scars we all get locked into a repetition. No matter how many times the other person lets us down and hurts us, we can't seem to let go. And we keep going back again and again, repeatedly trying to fix what's wrong. And we can't seem to let go. Why? Because giving up on the other person feels like giving up all hope of healing the Old Scar.
Here's the thing you need to know. You can't fix another person. All our repetitive attempts to try again are a waste if the other person isn't equally invested in changing him or herself. And we both know this isn't going to happen with her!
Look at her behavior. She's been unfaithful all along. And she shows no remorse.
Right now, you need to put all your energy into identifying and healing your Old Scar. Once you know what the exact scar is, then it's your job to give yourself the emotional goodies. Be faithful and true to yourself; don't allow anyone to repeat the pain of your past; and surround yourself with warm and loving people who can be counted on.
As you heal, you will find your anger toward her and you will not want anything more to do with her or anyone like her. Stay single until the healing is done. Otherwise, you risk attracting another cheater.
Oh, I'm going to be starting private group encounters. This will be a great place for you to experience what it's like to connect with people who are loving and supportive.
Keep me posted on how you do!
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