The Vatican declares Jesus a drunken no show! We are not sure whether to feel vindicated or insulted by the utterances from the Vatican some...
The Vatican declares Jesus a drunken no show! We are not sure whether to feel vindicated or insulted by the utterances from the Vatican some days ago. Just in case you missed the news, that bastion of Christianity, the home of the Vicar of Christ on Earth issued a statement to the effect that the Second Coming does not appear to be imminent. We have no problem with that part. It is when they blame the broken promise on alcohol consumption that we think we should take umbrage at that attack on our constituency:
“Having the ability to turn water into wine had its ups and its downs. We all make promises we can’t keep when we’re drunk. Jesus was no different,” announced Cardinal Giorgio Salvadore, a spokesperson of the Vatican.
We are not too well-versed in the Bible and would not dare to argue with people who have presumably dedicated their lives to the study of the book. But is there any part where Jesus gives a time frame and says he will come for everyone all at the same time?
Anyway, if the self-styled heaven watchers tell us that Jesus will not be coming to stop our drinking and braaing mid-mouth after all, who are we to argue? After all we have never held much with the view of Armageddon and would maintain that the moment for reckoning for each of us may or may not come with the point of demise.
But never mind that debate as to who is hell-bound or headed in the opposite direction, and whether heaven is really a desirable place to spend eternity if it is filled with all the prissy self-proclaimed “faithful”. As sure as vodka is brewed from potatoes and Chibuku from sorghum, we will all find out the truth one day.
Poking Pokello’s peccadilloes
A number of regulars have asked why we have never brought Pokello to the party and here is our reply. What is there to say about this person? As far as we know her list of accomplishment are as follows:
1. While her age mates were watching cartoons, she was busy playing doctors and she got to have a child who has lived longer than a decade while she has only lived less than three decades herself.
2. A few years later she broke the law by taking part in a pornographic shoot of a lacklustre sexual performance with a musician who desperately needs the expensive clothes he dons to cover his deficiencies in regions concealed.
3. She then became a socialite and started considering herself a superstar of no known talent. The affair with the musician ended.
4. She went to Big Bore Africa where she made sure to be on top of the game when it came to her favourite activity; men, men and men.
5. She has since been involved in an inexplicably highly publicised romance with a Ghanaian tailor who appears to be another bore who is only famous for being famous and sticking his foot into his mouth whenever he opens that oral organ.
6. The couple did some television stunt where he proposed and she accepted and now they expect the whole world to grovel at their feet in ardent adulation.
7. She then went onto social media to brag about how she has finally managed to get a man to actually say he will marry her after more than a decade of giving it away to different comers.
You will agree that there is nothing noteworthy there. Some people will ask why we do not list her as a successful businesswoman. That is because if we all had progenitors who are close connections to fabulously rich people we would also be successful business people.
We hope that after this educative piece, all regulars will show their discernment and taste by totally ignoring this nonentity and her peccadilloes. We have better issues to discuss and so we will move on.
The other usual place
We were delighted to hear the staunch pillar of prosperity gospel telling off his followers for giving unto him while ignoring their biological parents.
The parents who had the misfortune to procreate such ingrates will be shivering this winter while the blankets bought by the money given by their sons and daughters to the preacher keep others snug.
The rebuke is good news for us as the burden of parent rearing will now be shared with our siblings who had since revoked filial duty in preference of garnering blessing points from the church. So now we will have a little bit more to handover to the bartenders to “keep the same order rolling”.
Of the unfortunate “Tafadzwa”
We do not encourage violence at any given time and while we certainly empathise with fans who wanted to give this woman a good bashing, we would like them to think twice before they declare their hero a victim.
Did this woman rape him and force him to marry her? And when we stridently said nothing good would come out of this union before it happened did she close his eyes so that he could not read our warnings?
Did we not ask just what sort of a bull the musician thought he was for daring to lay claim to a pregnancy by a woman who had been around the block several times while claiming to be without a single child to show for all that action?
At least we are sure that he has been cured of his propensity for the Madhawus, Petunias et al, and will now keep his caterpillar safely ensconced in the palace to be viewed by the compassionate queen only.
Not that we are supporting this woman’s actions.
How the hell does she dare get a whole nation to call her by a name that is not even hers? And to even mislead the musician into composing a love song for a woman who does not even exist.
In the court of public opinion we believe that the DNA test results will certainly prove interesting and we urge him to forget all the other noises that the woman is making and insist on those ASAP.
After they come out we are going to sit the unfortunate woman down and tell her to go back to America where she claims to have been a regular visitor before marriage.
There, we are sure, she will find an agent to sell her story: “How I duped the Sungura King”.
With the royalties and film rights and the merchandise and other spin-offs, she should be able to finally strike the rich vein that she has obviously been digging for such a long time, as her history shows.
When advocacy is not action
Whoever set the precedent for people to wave placards is lucky to be dead, or we would call for his or her public lashing.
Now everyone thinks they have a right to decimate the fast disappearing tree population just to be seen to have said something, never mind if you are whistling in the wind.
What is the point of spending money printing placards then travelling to the Nigerian Embassy to show them cards that Michelle Obama created and showed them first?
Would it not make better sense to pool those resources expended on such ineffectual demos and practically boost the effort to get the girls back.
Till next week, bottoms up!
“Having the ability to turn water into wine had its ups and its downs. We all make promises we can’t keep when we’re drunk. Jesus was no different,” announced Cardinal Giorgio Salvadore, a spokesperson of the Vatican.
We are not too well-versed in the Bible and would not dare to argue with people who have presumably dedicated their lives to the study of the book. But is there any part where Jesus gives a time frame and says he will come for everyone all at the same time?
Anyway, if the self-styled heaven watchers tell us that Jesus will not be coming to stop our drinking and braaing mid-mouth after all, who are we to argue? After all we have never held much with the view of Armageddon and would maintain that the moment for reckoning for each of us may or may not come with the point of demise.
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| BAR TALK: Of drunken promises, peccadilloes, the unfortunate ‘Tafadzwa’ |
Poking Pokello’s peccadilloes
A number of regulars have asked why we have never brought Pokello to the party and here is our reply. What is there to say about this person? As far as we know her list of accomplishment are as follows:
1. While her age mates were watching cartoons, she was busy playing doctors and she got to have a child who has lived longer than a decade while she has only lived less than three decades herself.
2. A few years later she broke the law by taking part in a pornographic shoot of a lacklustre sexual performance with a musician who desperately needs the expensive clothes he dons to cover his deficiencies in regions concealed.
3. She then became a socialite and started considering herself a superstar of no known talent. The affair with the musician ended.
4. She went to Big Bore Africa where she made sure to be on top of the game when it came to her favourite activity; men, men and men.
5. She has since been involved in an inexplicably highly publicised romance with a Ghanaian tailor who appears to be another bore who is only famous for being famous and sticking his foot into his mouth whenever he opens that oral organ.
6. The couple did some television stunt where he proposed and she accepted and now they expect the whole world to grovel at their feet in ardent adulation.
7. She then went onto social media to brag about how she has finally managed to get a man to actually say he will marry her after more than a decade of giving it away to different comers.
You will agree that there is nothing noteworthy there. Some people will ask why we do not list her as a successful businesswoman. That is because if we all had progenitors who are close connections to fabulously rich people we would also be successful business people.
We hope that after this educative piece, all regulars will show their discernment and taste by totally ignoring this nonentity and her peccadilloes. We have better issues to discuss and so we will move on.
The other usual place
We were delighted to hear the staunch pillar of prosperity gospel telling off his followers for giving unto him while ignoring their biological parents.
The parents who had the misfortune to procreate such ingrates will be shivering this winter while the blankets bought by the money given by their sons and daughters to the preacher keep others snug.
The rebuke is good news for us as the burden of parent rearing will now be shared with our siblings who had since revoked filial duty in preference of garnering blessing points from the church. So now we will have a little bit more to handover to the bartenders to “keep the same order rolling”.
Of the unfortunate “Tafadzwa”
We do not encourage violence at any given time and while we certainly empathise with fans who wanted to give this woman a good bashing, we would like them to think twice before they declare their hero a victim.
Did this woman rape him and force him to marry her? And when we stridently said nothing good would come out of this union before it happened did she close his eyes so that he could not read our warnings?
Did we not ask just what sort of a bull the musician thought he was for daring to lay claim to a pregnancy by a woman who had been around the block several times while claiming to be without a single child to show for all that action?
At least we are sure that he has been cured of his propensity for the Madhawus, Petunias et al, and will now keep his caterpillar safely ensconced in the palace to be viewed by the compassionate queen only.
Not that we are supporting this woman’s actions.
How the hell does she dare get a whole nation to call her by a name that is not even hers? And to even mislead the musician into composing a love song for a woman who does not even exist.
In the court of public opinion we believe that the DNA test results will certainly prove interesting and we urge him to forget all the other noises that the woman is making and insist on those ASAP.
After they come out we are going to sit the unfortunate woman down and tell her to go back to America where she claims to have been a regular visitor before marriage.
There, we are sure, she will find an agent to sell her story: “How I duped the Sungura King”.
With the royalties and film rights and the merchandise and other spin-offs, she should be able to finally strike the rich vein that she has obviously been digging for such a long time, as her history shows.
When advocacy is not action
Whoever set the precedent for people to wave placards is lucky to be dead, or we would call for his or her public lashing.
Now everyone thinks they have a right to decimate the fast disappearing tree population just to be seen to have said something, never mind if you are whistling in the wind.
What is the point of spending money printing placards then travelling to the Nigerian Embassy to show them cards that Michelle Obama created and showed them first?
Would it not make better sense to pool those resources expended on such ineffectual demos and practically boost the effort to get the girls back.
Till next week, bottoms up!
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