This week on The Help Doctor, helps a woman who is confusing sex with love. Read on and weigh in: Dear Help Doctor, I’m 23 years old and I h...
This week on The Help Doctor, helps a woman who is confusing sex with love. Read on and weigh in:
Dear Help Doctor,
I’m 23 years old and I have a 3 year old daughter. I’ve been with the father of my child for 10 years and he has been incarcerated for the past 3 years, set to be released in June of next year.
The thing is I’ve been sleeping with my next door neighbor for a year and I’m madly in love with him. He also has a 3 year old daughter and our kids play together. When we first met he told me that he was not interested in a serious relationship and was no longer with the mother of his child and I believed him. A few months later I found out that they were still a couple and were living together but when I asked him if this was true he denied it. He then came clean and said that they were working things out for the sake of their child and that he still wants to casually sleep with me.
He has said on many occasions that he doesn’t want me seeing anyone else but he knows that I will be with the father of my child when he gets out. We still plan on sneaking around when my boyfriend gets home but I want more from him. The way I feel for him I’ve never felt for anyone else – not even the father of my child but he just won’t commit to me and I can’t trust him.
Recently at a party I got into a confrontation with his girlfriend because they were making out in front of me and I felt disrespected because he saw that I was there and acted like he didn’t care. He vowed to never speak to me after that incident but that was because the bi*ch was there. A week later he was at my door and we’re now sleeping together again. It seems like he’s never going to leave her alone and I just can’t continue seeing him if he doesn’t but I don’t know how to let go because I really love him. Should I stay and hope that he changes or just leave him alone?
Memory
Dear Memory,
Grab your Nike’s, and run for your life. You have fallen into the classic sex trap. You believe that sex is love, but what you are really feeling is infatuation. This is a common dating trap young people fall into when it comes to relationships. After you have sex, the body releases Phenylethylamine, a chemical known as the ‘love drug’ because it gives you that wonderful high you get when you’re in love. These feelings bond you to your sexual partner in the moment, but it’s not love you’re feeling, it’s attachment. Love is a profoundly tender and passionate affection for another person. When you love someone, you want the best for them, and the last thing you want to do is hurt them. You honor their heart, and you treat it with respect. This man you are sleeping with does not love you, and he has no respect for you or the mother of his child. He is a user, and you are allowing yourself to be used.
You’re playing a dangerous game when you let him into your bed. You put your health in jeopardy, as he is sleeping with more than one person. You also need to consider the well being of your child. Emotionally, it’s unhealthy to bring a man into your child’s life, who isn’t planning to be there long term. Each time you sleep with him you risk getting an STD, which in turn risks your life. Your daughter already lost a father to the prison system. Can she afford to grow up without a mother? These are questions you have to ask, and choices you have to make being the responsible parent in her life.
Your plan to continue cheating even after your boyfriend has returned home is a childish sign of deception. If you don’t want to be with the father of your child, then tell him straight and move on. Don’t risk getting caught and end up either hurting him, or getting yourself hurt. You don’t know what his reaction may be when he finds out later and you don’t want to put yourself or your child at risk. Sex is not worth it.
Time to grow up, and stop playing these selfish games. If you want love in your life, then you have to love and respect yourself. You can’t allow someone to treat you disrespectfully, use you for sex, and then expect him to leave his girlfriend. Why would he bother, when he can have you both? Starting a fight with his girlfriend because he is kissing her is another sign of how young and childish you are behaving. You are the other woman, which means you have no claim to him.
It’s time to cut ties with this man, and get your emotional affairs back in order. Ask yourself:
Why have I allowed someone to use me for sex?
What did I want to get out of this situation?
What does love mean to me?
How do I want to be treated in a loving relationship?
Am I being treated with love by the person I’m sleeping with?
What’s the best choice I can make for me and my daughter?
How you want to be loved is up to you to decide. You have to set boundaries and expectations so people recognize how you want to be treated. I know this is a tough life lesson but everyone has to learn it at some point. Realize that you are better than this and get out. Best of luck,
The Help Doctor
Dear Help Doctor,
I’m 23 years old and I have a 3 year old daughter. I’ve been with the father of my child for 10 years and he has been incarcerated for the past 3 years, set to be released in June of next year.
The thing is I’ve been sleeping with my next door neighbor for a year and I’m madly in love with him. He also has a 3 year old daughter and our kids play together. When we first met he told me that he was not interested in a serious relationship and was no longer with the mother of his child and I believed him. A few months later I found out that they were still a couple and were living together but when I asked him if this was true he denied it. He then came clean and said that they were working things out for the sake of their child and that he still wants to casually sleep with me.
He has said on many occasions that he doesn’t want me seeing anyone else but he knows that I will be with the father of my child when he gets out. We still plan on sneaking around when my boyfriend gets home but I want more from him. The way I feel for him I’ve never felt for anyone else – not even the father of my child but he just won’t commit to me and I can’t trust him.
Recently at a party I got into a confrontation with his girlfriend because they were making out in front of me and I felt disrespected because he saw that I was there and acted like he didn’t care. He vowed to never speak to me after that incident but that was because the bi*ch was there. A week later he was at my door and we’re now sleeping together again. It seems like he’s never going to leave her alone and I just can’t continue seeing him if he doesn’t but I don’t know how to let go because I really love him. Should I stay and hope that he changes or just leave him alone?
Memory
 |
| Madly In Love With My Neighbor, But He Won’t Offer Anything Beyond Sex” |
Dear Memory,
Grab your Nike’s, and run for your life. You have fallen into the classic sex trap. You believe that sex is love, but what you are really feeling is infatuation. This is a common dating trap young people fall into when it comes to relationships. After you have sex, the body releases Phenylethylamine, a chemical known as the ‘love drug’ because it gives you that wonderful high you get when you’re in love. These feelings bond you to your sexual partner in the moment, but it’s not love you’re feeling, it’s attachment. Love is a profoundly tender and passionate affection for another person. When you love someone, you want the best for them, and the last thing you want to do is hurt them. You honor their heart, and you treat it with respect. This man you are sleeping with does not love you, and he has no respect for you or the mother of his child. He is a user, and you are allowing yourself to be used.
You’re playing a dangerous game when you let him into your bed. You put your health in jeopardy, as he is sleeping with more than one person. You also need to consider the well being of your child. Emotionally, it’s unhealthy to bring a man into your child’s life, who isn’t planning to be there long term. Each time you sleep with him you risk getting an STD, which in turn risks your life. Your daughter already lost a father to the prison system. Can she afford to grow up without a mother? These are questions you have to ask, and choices you have to make being the responsible parent in her life.
Your plan to continue cheating even after your boyfriend has returned home is a childish sign of deception. If you don’t want to be with the father of your child, then tell him straight and move on. Don’t risk getting caught and end up either hurting him, or getting yourself hurt. You don’t know what his reaction may be when he finds out later and you don’t want to put yourself or your child at risk. Sex is not worth it.
Time to grow up, and stop playing these selfish games. If you want love in your life, then you have to love and respect yourself. You can’t allow someone to treat you disrespectfully, use you for sex, and then expect him to leave his girlfriend. Why would he bother, when he can have you both? Starting a fight with his girlfriend because he is kissing her is another sign of how young and childish you are behaving. You are the other woman, which means you have no claim to him.
It’s time to cut ties with this man, and get your emotional affairs back in order. Ask yourself:
Why have I allowed someone to use me for sex?
What did I want to get out of this situation?
What does love mean to me?
How do I want to be treated in a loving relationship?
Am I being treated with love by the person I’m sleeping with?
What’s the best choice I can make for me and my daughter?
How you want to be loved is up to you to decide. You have to set boundaries and expectations so people recognize how you want to be treated. I know this is a tough life lesson but everyone has to learn it at some point. Realize that you are better than this and get out. Best of luck,
The Help Doctor
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